


Emotional

by mtngirlforever



Category: Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-06-05 20:43:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6722653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtngirlforever/pseuds/mtngirlforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since we don't know much about his past, I'm writing this as I imagine it. Jay has moments with Mouse, shares things with Erin he hasn't before, and he has time with Will sharing memories and such. It is VERY emotional! Kleenexes are recommended!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jay was sitting in the old tech room with his feet propped in the chair. They’d settled on coming here because it could just be the two of them. He was sipping on a beer not moving to keep from adding wrinkles to his uniform; Mouse was doing the same, both lost in their memories.

“You remember that time Jones got trapped on the side of the mountain and we thought we were all going to die trying to save him?” Mouse asked with a half chuckle. Only he and Jay knew the real reason Ty had been down the mountain that day.

“Yea…. I thought I would kill him after we saved his ass,” Jay said with a half-smile. He was their Staff Sargent and it was his job to keep his men safe. It always haunted him when he couldn’t, but that day they’d been lucky.

“Or the time he thought we needed to dress as jihadist to save Hollingsworth?” Jay couldn’t help but chuckle a little at the memory.

“He meant well, but he had some dumb ideas,” Jay sighed.

“Jay?”

“Hmmm?” he said quietly not taking his eyes off his feet.

“Have you told her? Or him?” He knew Jay would know he meant Erin and Will. Jay shook his head no. “You need to you know? You don’t have to do this alone, and you don’t have just me anymore. They both would and want to be there for you.” Mouse knew this was true because both had texted him off and on all day checking in on Jay.

“Yea… yea… I know. It’s just…. It’s not easy to talk about…. And they shouldn’t have to live through those horrors too….”

Mouse walked over and laid his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “I know buddy… I know it’s not easy, but what’s going to happen if you don’t talk about it? They both want to be there for you and you should let them. You need someone to talk to Jay, and you know I will listen, anytime, but let them be there too.” Jay was quiet. “We’re both in the best place we’ve been since our first tour; you don’t want to go back any more than I do. You’ve got to talk and you know it.”

Jay nodded. He knew Mouse was right, but it wasn’t easy letting others in on the horrors they’d seen and lived through.

“You are so much better,” Jay said finally meeting his best friend’s eyes. He was thinking back to the cemetery and his surprise when he saw Mouse there. Their words were still echoing in his head.

_“Mouse?”_

_“Jay?” Mouse said back in a questioning tone._

_“What are you doing-“Jay stopped himself short, correcting himself. “You never attend these things,” he said in a low voice._

_“I know, but things change. He was my friend too,” Mouse told him placing a hand on Jay’s shoulder as they edged forward._

“Yea well that’s thanks to you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Jay said confused.

“Yea man you did. You got me straight, got me this job. You knew I needed the stability and routine. You brought me back Jay.”

“Yea well…. That’s what you did for me. That’s what best friends are for right?” Jay said with a shrug still not good at accepting compliments when he thought he was just doing his job.

Mouse patted his shoulder. “Yea exactly. And this best friend is telling you to get your ass home and relax. I know you’re beat.” Mouse was the only one who knew what the dreams, the memories, and the funerals really did to him.

Jay nodded. “You’ll call if you need me? You sure you don’t want to crash in the guest room? Erin wouldn’t mind.”

“Jay go. I’ll be fine. Promise.”

Jay drained the rest of his bottle. It was the only one he’d had all night not wanting to tempt himself into old habits. “Ok, ok,” he finally smiled. “Just promise you’ll call?”

“I promise,” Mouse said as Jay gave him a tight hug before turning to go. Mouse just hoped he’d talk to Erin or Will tonight and not hold it in. He didn’t want to see Jay suffer again because he wasn’t sure any of them would survive watching one of the strongest members of their team/family break. And Mouse knew if Jay held it in, he would break.

 

Erin had been pacing his apartment since Mouse text telling her he was headed home. She knew he’d gone to a funeral today for one of the men from his unit, but that was it. All she knew was that things were awful overseas, and that if it wasn’t for Mouse, she’d never had met this most wonderful man. He never shared specific memories even though she really wanted him too. She never pushed though. She knew it was hard on him to talk about, and she understood. She might be the only other one who really understood. It hadn’t been easy on her sharing about her past, but in time she had opened up to him and laid it all out there. He stayed and he still loved her; she knew she’d do the same for him when he was ready because she loved him as much as he loved her and he was it for her.

She was mid-pace when the door to the apartment opened; she paused and looked up at him. Seeing him in his uniform, tie hanging around his neck, (the tie she had to tie for him earlier because his hands had been shaking too much) and she couldn’t help but want him. But he looked worn down, beat down, and exhausted.

He quietly closed the door and tried to smile at her. He opened his arms and she ran into them. She’d been worried he might not come home and she’d have to go looking for him. But he was here now and she’d do anything for him, anything to get him through this.

“How about we get you out of this, even though you look super-hot in it, take a shower and then relax?” she asked quietly. He nodded as she grabbed his hand leading him to the bathroom. He let her take his uniform off, totally exhausted at this point. Even though she would normally leave piles of clothes in the floor wherever she stripped, she carefully took his uniform and laid it on his bed to hang up later.

She came back and gently pushed him into the shower hoping the warm water would relax him. She followed, wrapping her arms around him. She laid her head against his chest listening to his heart beat. Neither said anything; she just stood their holding him. She finally started washing him off before the water turned cold. He even bent down and let her wash his hair.

The feel of her fingers on him combined with the warm water slowly relaxed him. Once she’d washed every inch of him, she turned the water off, wrapped a towel around him and then herself. She dried him off and then led him to the bedroom. He threw on a pair of sweats while she slipped his Academy shirt over her head. She usually slept in his Ranger shirt, but tonight she didn’t want to push it.

She took his uniform and carefully hung it back up on the hanger. She placed it in the back of the closet where he kept it, knowing he did that so he wouldn’t have to see it. She came back and crawled in bed with him. He’d propped up on the headboard; she climbed in his lap facing him and he wrapped his arms around her.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, running her fingers through his curly hair at the base of his neck. “Whatever you need, I’ll do it. If you need to talk, I’ll listen. If you need a hug, I’ll give it. If you need to cry, I’ll hold you. I’ll be here all night Jay. Whatever you need,” she whispered as he rested his forehead against hers. He let out a soft sigh and was so quiet for so long that she thought he’d gone to sleep.

She felt something wet touch her arm and she opened her eyes to see tears falling down his cheeks. She moved her arms from his neck to his back holding him tight. She was fighting her own tears, but knew she had to stay strong for him.

“I’m here baby, I’m here,” she whispered over and over.

“The dreams….” He started but stopped. Erin didn’t push; she knew he was trying to open up and he would when he was ready. She rubbed her hands up and down his back trying to comfort him.

“If you’re staying…. You need to know,” he whispered not looking at her, but focusing his eyes down at an invisible spot between them.

“Know what?” she asked quietly still rubbing his back with one hand, but moving the other back to his hair. She knew that rubbing his head helped relax him most. She’d found that out after Keyes and only because Will told her. He’d shared that information outside Jay’s hospital room saying something along the lines of that’s what he had to do when they were kids.

He took a deep breath.

“After our second tour…. Mouse and I were a mess. He managed….. To pull it together before me and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here. We…. We were in a convoy. Mouse and I were in the lead Humvee with Spencer because as Staff Sargent, you always lead.” He took a deep breath before continuing. Erin kept her fingers softly running through his curls.

“We… we hit an IED. The Humvee was blown apart…” Tears were pouring down his cheeks as he relived that day. “The others behind us… were ambushed. Mouse….. He…. I was trapped. I was pinned under part of the Humvee. It…. It… was taking fire from the ambush, and I just knew I was going to die…”

Erin was barely keeping it together, but she knew she had to for him.

“I was laying there thinking about everything I’d never get to do…. How I wouldn’t get to fix things with Will….. And….. And…. I saw my mama…”

He broke on sobs then, and Erin held him tight as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. She knew he’d always been his mama’s baby and that he’d been the one to take care of her just from the little things he let slip. She didn’t know the full story, but she figured one day she would.

“She… she got sick between my first and second tour. I came home…… but it wasn’t enough…..so I went back the day after her funeral.” He was slowly calming as Erin held him tight, but he was still crying.

“When…. When… I saw her… I knew that was it… but she told me to hang on.” He finally looked at her with tear-filled bloodshot eyes from all the crying, and she felt herself crumbling on the inside even if she wasn’t letting him see it.

“I didn’t want to…. I wanted to go with her….. I miss her so much…. So so much…… and I wanted to end the hell I was in… I wanted my mama….” He sobbed.

The strongest man she knew was completely broken and laying everything out for her. She felt so honored that he trusted her this much, knowing he’d felt the same when she’d shared her past. She held him tight, rubbing his back and head. “It’s ok Jay… it’s ok. I’m here. I got you,” she whispered over and over.

He sobbed, body wracking sobs as she held him, finally letting it all out. He slowly started calming down under her hands and her soft kisses to his cheeks.

“Mouse…. He managed to pull me out. He had a gunshot wound to the shoulder and a gash in his side, but he still managed to save me. I… I had a concussion, a broken arm, a couple of bruised ribs and a piece of glass here,” he said pointing to a place on his shoulder where a bullet proof vest wouldn’t cover.

“Ty… he was the only other one to survive. He… he managed to patch Mouse up enough to stop the bleeding. Between the two of them… they got all three of us to safety. We… we laid in a desert ditch for two hours waiting on Mouse to fix the radio so he could call for an extraction team. I’d long since passed out so I only know this because Mouse told me. Another hour passed and finally the extraction team arrived. They flew all three of us straight to Germany.”

He’d finally calmed down; the most emotional part of this memory over.

“They had to trach me hence this scar,” he said pointing at the scar on the base of his neck. She always wondered what had happened and now she knew. She softly kissed it and the one on his shoulder.

“I woke up two days after the explosion. Ty had been unharmed for the most part. A few stitches in his arm and he was good. They sent him back. Mouse had to have surgery on his shoulder and twenty stitches in his side. They had to give him two blood transfusions from blood loss. Me…” he took a deep breath laying his head on her shoulder wearing down.

“They set my arm and it was in a cast. They wrapped my ribs and removed the glass from my shoulder, but not before I almost died, hence the trach. The Army decided Mouse and I had had enough and gave us both medical discharges. We came home a week later.”

Jay sighed. He hated talking about this part because it always made him feel weak.

“I couldn’t handle it though… the dreams…. They were awful. Will… he wasn’t around…. He was in New York. I had no one but Mouse. I’d…. I’d drink to push the pain away…. Pushed Mouse away and would ignore Will’s calls…. I blamed him for mom…. For not being here…” a few more tears slipped down his cheeks.

Erin finally understood why he chased after her when she went down her dark hole after Nadia died. “It’s ok Jay… it’s ok,” she whispered.

“Mouse… he’d drag me home at night, always pinging my phone to find me even if I tried turning it off. He’d call Will after I’d pass out and let him know I was home. He’d chew him out too for not being there. He’d sleep on the couch to make sure I never tried anything stupid, and the next morning I’d always be an ass and he’d leave. Finally, after four months he’d had enough. One morning he slapped a CPD application in front of me before I could even have coffee. He told me I could apply or he was done. I knew if he was done, I’d end up dead in some bar and my mama….. I couldn’t disappoint her like that.”

He paused and Erin kissed his cheek letting him know she was still there, still staying.

“So… I sobered up and applied. Of course I was accepted. Once I was on patrol, it wasn’t long before they were having me take the detectives exam. The military background helped, and once I passed, they bumped me straight to gangs. They put me undercover more and more, and I was so busy with work, I hardly noticed Mouse’s visits becoming less and less. It wasn’t until I stopped seeing him that I realized something was wrong. I tried to help him, made him my CI, but the drugs had a more powerful hold. He suppressed his demons to help me, and I never saw it until it was too late.”

Jay sighed. He still felt bad for letting Mouse down all those years ago, but he had to focus on the fact that Mouse was better and was here.

“I kept tabs on him though and when we had the tech position open, I knew that was my ticket to get my best friend and brother back. From there you know the rest.”

He was exhausted, physically and mentally. Erin got him to lay down, and then pulled him into her arms. She knew there were still things he hadn’t shared, but he shared the most painful memory of all with her tonight and she couldn’t help but love him more.

“You’re a good friend Jay, the best, and I love you so much.”

Jay softly kissed her as she wiped the remaining tears from his eyes. “I love you too Er. The dreams…. They can be so bad sometimes…” She kissed him before he could continue.

“I’m staying. I’ll hold you through them, whatever you need. But I am staying.” Jay barely nodded as his eyes closed. His body was finally giving in to the exhaustion he felt. Erin kissed his cheek as he drifted to sleep.

She watched him sleeping. She knew he’d been through so much, and she knew he only shared a small portion of it, but she’d be there when he was ready to share more. She loved him more than anything and nothing he could tell her would make her love him less. She’d do whatever it took to get him through this because he’d always been there for her.

“Sleep my love. I’ll be here,” she whispered.

She sent Mouse a text so he wouldn’t worry. “He’s finally asleep. He shared about the convoy and the highlights of coming home. Warned me about the dreams too. I’ll take care of him I promise but if you need something please call.”

It wasn’t long and she got a reply back. “Thanks Erin. I’m ok. His dreams can be bad, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time. If it gets too bad call me.”

“I will. Thanks Mouse.” She laid her phone on the bedside table and wrapped her arms around him. She prayed he’d get some good sleep tonight, but even if he didn’t she’d be there. She softly kissed him as she felt herself drifting to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Erin looked at her phone. They’d only been asleep for a couple of hours when she heard him mumbling. She was instantly awake. His face was scrunched in pain and he was mumbling incoherently.

“Jay… wake up,” she tried but to no avail.

“Stop! Stop! Stop!” he practically screamed in his sleep. Erin tried again to wake him. When she touched him, he flinched and her heart broke a little. She knew it was just reactionary because he was caught in his dream, but whatever was happening was bad and it hurt watching him struggle.

“Jay! Come on, wake up,” she pleaded. She laid her hand on his chest and he jerked straight up. She pulled her hands back giving him a minute.

“Jay… it’s ok. It’s just me,” she whispered sitting up with him. He wouldn’t look at her and he was breathing hard. She crawled where she was facing him, “Jay… it’s just me,” she whispered as she moved towards him. He tried sinking into the headboard.

He hated how the dreams made him feel, like he was caught between reality and nonreality. He hated how they made him feel weak and vulnerable. He hated that she was having to see him break in two.

Erin crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around him as she felt him tremble. “Jay… it’s ok baby. I’m here. You’re safe. It was just a dream; you’re safe here in our bed.”

He laid his head on her shoulder as she ran her fingers through his hair. “It was a flash of different memories… you… you don’t need to see this Er… you should go back to your apartment… so…”

She kissed him hard to shut him up. “I’m not leaving Jay. I told you earlier I’d be here no matter what and I meant that. I’m staying. End of story.”

She heard him sigh as she continued to rub his head. In just a few minutes she heard his breathing even out. He’d fallen asleep sitting up with his head on her shoulder. She wasn’t sure he was all that comfortable, but she didn’t want to try and move him.

She slowly let her head move to rest on his shoulder as she felt herself drifting again. She had no idea if he’d have any more dreams, but she meant it when she said she wasn’t leaving. She’d be there no matter what because he was always there for her.

It couldn’t have been more than an hour when Erin felt herself jerked awake. He’d jerked in his sleep and it had woken her. His head was back against the headboard now, but he was still asleep. His brow was wrinkled and his hands were gripping her shoulders.

“Jay…. Stop. Wake up,” she tried when she felt him start to squeeze them. She reached to touch his face and his eyes instantly opened. ‘Hey… it’s just me… it’s Erin,” she said quietly. His eyes were scanning the room not looking at her.

“Jay… you’re safe. It’s your apartment; it’s just me and you.” He pushed her to the bed and got up. Erin didn’t know what to do. “Jay…. Stop. Get in bed,” she tried seeing him walk around the room. She couldn’t tell if he was awake or still asleep.

When she tried to get up, he stopped her. “Stay,” he quietly demanded. He was kind of scaring her, but she nodded. When he stalked out to the living room, she grabbed her phone. She sent Mouse a text. “How many dreams a night? How can I make them stop?”

She wasn’t expecting her phone to start ringing. “Hello?” she said quietly.

“Erin... how many has he had? What was he saying? What’s he doing?” Erin couldn’t help the quiet chuckle at how fast Mouse was talking.

“Ok... slow down… this is just the second. First, he was just saying stop; I got him awake. All he would say was that it was a flash of memories and that I should go. But I told him I wasn’t leaving and he was almost right back asleep. This time, he pushed me onto the bed and he’s walking around the apartment.”

“Oh God… ok. I’m on my way.”

“Mouse no. Let me be here for him and help him. I want to; I want to be the one to do this. I love him. He’s always there for me and I want to be there for him. Just tell me what to do.”

Mouse sighed. “Ok… ok… First, take his 9mm and lock it in the safe. I know you probably have yours there too but he won't look for it.” Erin was totally confused now, but she did as Mouse said. Thankfully Jay had given her the combination to the safe a while back.

“Now what?” She asked.

“He thinks he’s on a mission looking for Hollingsworth again. He was…. He was a guy in our unit that was kidnapped by jihadist. We… We eventually got him back… but it was bad Erin. The things… the things we saw and did….”

“Ok… just tell me what to do,” she pleaded with Mouse. She heard something break in the kitchen. “Mouse… tell me! I heard glass break.”

“Go. Don’t let him drink. Do whatever you have to do to get him awake and make him talk. Call me if it gets worse.”

Erin hung up and headed towards the kitchen. “Jay!” she called. He was standing there looking at the broken bottle of whiskey all over the kitchen floor.

She carefully walked over to him. “Come back to bed with me… please,” she pleaded wrapping her arms around his waist. She stood on tiptoe and kissed him softly. When he started responding she knew he was awake.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered not looking at her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled a little and he understood she wanted him to pick her up. He did and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Jay…please don’t apologize. It’s ok. I want to be here for this. I want to help you. You helped me now let me help you.” He was quiet but slowly he nodded.

“Carry me to bed. I’ll clean this in the morning,” she whispered resting her forehead against his. Jay did as she said and carried her to bed. He sat up with his back against the headboard and she stayed wrapped around him. She ran her fingers through his hair.

“Talk to me,” she whispered.

He took a deep breath not meeting her eyes. “It was my fault….. He never…. He never should’ve been taken…. We… we were doing surveillance. It was Mouse, Hollingsworth and me. We always went out in groups of three or four. Chris… he decided he could change vantage points to get a better idea on things…. And I let him… even though we were supposed to stay in a group… I let him….”

Erin wiped the tears from his cheeks as she kissed his forehead. She knew the guilt was eating him up, but she had to let him get it all out.

“When he wasn’t back in ten minutes…. Mouse and I went to look for him… his stuff was where he had said he’d be, but he wasn’t there….. We looked all around…. But couldn’t find him. Then… Mouse… he got a video…. They had him. It…. It took us two weeks to find them….. and when we did….. Chris…. He was barely alive. As a Ranger…. They teach you how to not break or give up information…. How to handle being tortured.”

It made sense now how he had been able to handle Keyes and not give anything up, how he’d been able to come back like nothing. She wasn’t sure if the dreams still haunted him, but all this she learned about her man made everything else make sense.

“Since… since he wouldn’t give them what they wanted…. The things…. God Erin… the things they did made Keyes men look like amateurs….” Erin couldn’t stop the gasp, knowing just how bad Keyes men had fucked him up.

“It was me, Mouse, Ty, and Spencer that found him. Spencer was a medic and he got Chris out of there. Mouse, Ty and I…. well… we did more than just put a gun to their heads,” he whispered remembering Mouse’s words from the day at the precinct when Frazier held the gun to his head. “Chris….. He didn’t make it back to base… Spencer tried everything, but the damage… it was just too much. The next week…. We flew home with his body…. Another funeral…. Another folded flag handed to his wife by me…. When it was…. Was my job to bring them home safe….”

Erin felt the tears slip down her cheeks as she rubbed his head. “Jay… it wasn’t your fault… you didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I never should’ve let him go. He should’ve stayed with us! Then he wouldn’t have been taken and he would’ve came home to his wife. She…. She was pregnant Erin…. he never…… he never met his child because I let him go off on his own!”

Erin’s heart broke for him… she knew what it was like to carry the guilt, but he helped her see it wasn’t her fault with Nadia and she had to do the same for him. “Jay…. Jay stop. It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known babe. Answer me this… would he have gone on his own even if you’d tried to stop him?”

He was quiet but eventually he nodded. “He really thought he would have a better vantage point when he moved…. But… but… we all should’ve moved… or…”

“Jay… stop. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't play the what if game. If you all had moved, you all might have been taken and then I never would have met you and we wouldn’t be here right now. I can't think about that and neither can you. I can't think about my life without you. You told me the what if game eats you alive and you’re right it does. It’s ok to be upset and miss them, but you have to let the guilt go. I can't let you keep doing this to yourself, not when you didn’t let me.”

Deep down he knew she was right, but it was so hard knowing it had been his job to get them all home safe, and only he, Mouse, and Ty survived that tour. “I know… I know you’re right… it’s just….”

“Hard. I know babe I do. But I’m here and we’ll get through this together.”

“Together,” he whispered back as he laid down holding her close. He just needed to feel her, needed to know she was still there.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered as she felt him start to relax again and drift to sleep.

Erin had been asleep for what felt like a couple of hours when she felt something hard hit her stomach, not once but twice. She groaned as she opened her eyes seeing Jay jerking and hitting in his sleep. She rolled but not before his hand got her again. She knew it would bruise and that when he realized what happened things would be bad.

“Jay!!! Jay! Wake up!” she tried reaching out for his hand but he pushed it away. She ducked before he could hit her again. She managed to crawl on top of him and pin his arms to the bed. “Jay! Wake up! Wake up babe please,” she pleaded holding him still. His head jerked side to side and he was saying something about Ty. “Jay wake up!” she tried again and his eyes jerked open and he realized she was holding him still.

He started to panic until she let him go. “You’re ok. It’s just me and you,” she whispered. He rolled her off him and she winced a little.

“What’s wrong?” he asked noticing her wince.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” she said.

“Erin… don’t. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

She sighed. “Just a little sore. But I’m fine. Talk to me please. Let me help you.”

“Not until you tell me why you’re sore,” he said reaching for the hem of the shirt.

“Jay… don’t…” she said but it was too late. He pulled the hem of his academy shirt up and saw a bruise forming on her stomach.

“Erin?...” he said quietly as realization washed over him. He’d done this… he’d put this bruise on her.

“Jay. I’m fine. Jay…” she called as he climbed off the bed and headed out of the room. Erin pulled the shirt down and went after him but it was too late. He’d locked himself in the bathroom and she could hear him getting sick. She beat on the door, begging, pleading for him to open it.

She threw her weight against the door but it wouldn’t give. “Jay… please… unlock the damn door…” she begged. She heard him get sick again and she’d had enough. She put her foot to the door and kicked as hard as she could. The lock finally gave and the door flew open bouncing off the wall.

Jay was curled in the floor, all color gone from his face. She wet a wash cloth and knelt down by him. “Just go Er… go… I can't hurt you again… leave please before its worse…..” a few tears were falling down his cheeks. He couldn’t live with himself knowing he’d hurt her.

“I’m not leaving Jay. I’m not. I’m fine. I know you didn’t mean it. I know you didn’t know you were doing it. I know you would never hurt me. I’m staying.” She laid the wash cloth on his forehead and her heart broke a little at the whimper that escaped his lips despite his efforts to stop it.

“Jay… you’re ok. I’m here and I’m fine. I promise. Don’t shut me out now… please…. Let me be here for you,” she begged. She held the wash cloth on his forehead as he broke on sobs.

She couldn’t stand seeing him so broken. She wrapped her arms around him tight. “Jay… it’s ok baby… it’s ok. I’m here. We’re ok. I promise. I’m fine… it’s ok,” she whispered over and over.

“I hit you….. I hurt you….” He sobbed.

“Jay…. Baby its ok I promise… I’m ok.” She hated seeing him so upset and broken over this. She needed him to know she was ok. She grabbed his hands from his face and laid his head on her shoulder. “I’m ok I promise.” She laid one hand over her heartbeat. “See? It’s ok…” she whispered.

He sobbed until he wore himself out. “Come on babe lets go back to bed please,” she whispered and eventually felt his nod. He was still too pale for her liking but she knew he needed to talk before he slept again.

“Tell me what happened,” she whispered hoping if he’d talk about it, he’d sleep better.

Jay curled on his side and wouldn’t look at her. She laid the wash cloth back on his head and rubbed his cheek. “Jay… talk to me please. It’s the only way you’re going to feel better.”

Jay sighed as she rubbed his cheek and hair. “He…. He called me last week. We were in the middle of a case and I didn’t answer so he called Mouse. He… he’d gotten mixed up with this…. Medical marijuana clinic…. And he wanted out, but the owner… well you met her. So Mouse calls her up… pretending to be back on the streets and needing a job. So he hooks her up with a security system and he called me later. When he said he was going to tell her I could do security… I knew I had to for Ty. It was the only way we could think of to protect him and get him out.” He sighed.

Erin didn’t know the reason he’d done the side job, but she’d never questioned either knowing he’d tell her if it was important enough.

“She was a real bitch… always flirting and wanting favors and every time I’d basically tell her to go to hell. The first time Ty saw me in there…. He panicked. Mouse hadn’t told him I was coming and every time I’d call he wouldn’t answer…. I tried talking to him one night when she was out and he shut down on me. Only would say she preyed on ex-Military men needing ‘help.’ I hated her on the spot after that.”

He paused to take a deep breath.

“She somehow got access to Ty’s file…. Found out he knew me. Hence that’s when Intelligence stepped in and you know the rest from there. Ty… he ran. He was afraid others in the operation, that made good money off of it, would come after him thinking it was him that brought the cop in. Mouse…. Managed to ping his phone and we found him.”

Jay shuttered at the memory. “When… we found him at the motel… it wasn’t good Er… he… he was sitting on the bed with his gun…. Kept saying over and over how sorry he was and that he couldn’t do this…. Couldn’t live with the fear again…”

He was crying again and Erin didn’t know that it was possible for her heart to break anymore, but it did.

“We both…. We both tried talking to him…. telling him we could help him that he needed to think about Angie…. But nothing worked…… he was so afraid they would come after him or her…. and it reminded him too much of Afghanistan….. Before…. Before I could grab it…. He pulled the trigger….”

He was sobbing again….. He hadn’t been able to save Ty either… “I…. I had to go tell Angie….. tell her I let them down….. I didn’t keep him safe like I promised….. had to tell her….. just like with Chris’s wife….. had to tell her Ty wouldn’t be coming back and Ty Jr would never get to know what a wonderful dad he had…… he saved me Er but I couldn’t save him….” he cried.

Erin held him tight as he cried. She hadn’t known… he’d hid it well the last few days. She’d known something was off but he kept saying it was lack of sleep catching up to him. Now she knew and she was going to get him through this. She held him as he sobbed for the men he hadn’t been able to save but mostly for the one that had saved him.

She sent Mouse a text. “He told me about Ty. Are you ok?” She was worried about them both now.

Mouse text back; “I’m ok. Do I need to come over?” He hadn’t been sleeping, just watching the lights on the traffic cams because it always relaxed him.

“Not unless you need us,” she text back.

He wanted to check on his best friend, but he knew Erin was taking good care of him. “I’ll be by in the morning. We three have the day off.” He’d told Hank the whole story after Jay left, knowing there was no way they would be able to work tomorrow, especially not after the funeral.

“Ok thanks Mouse.” Erin held him as he sobbed. She knew in the morning he would be filled with regret when he saw the bruise but she’d reassure him over and over. She would get him through this; she wouldn’t let him fall into a dark hole like she had. She wouldn’t let him push her away. He needed her as much as she needed him and she would be here because he was her forever and she loved him more than she’d ever thought possible.

He finally cried himself asleep again and Erin laid there watching him sleep. He looked more peaceful than the other times. She traced the line of his jaw, feeling the stubble under her fingers and she smiled. She softly kissed his cheek and whispered how much she loved him. She didn’t think she’d be going back to sleep, but laying there holding him and watching him sleep was all she needed. As long as he was there and he was ok, she was better than ok. She smiled a little and before she knew she too had drifted to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Erin awoke to an empty bed. How he had managed to get up without her knowing she had no idea but she started panicking. “Jay?? Jay??” she called jumping out of bed. She ran and checked the bathroom, but it was empty. She checked the spare room, it too was empty. The kitchen had been cleaned spotless; the broken glass and spilled whiskey gone. She couldn’t find him.

She called his cell but nothing. Just as she was fixing to call Mouse, the front door opened. He came in sweaty and panting for breath. She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him and took a deep breath. Jay sank into her hug. “I’m ok Erin. I’m ok. Just went for a run,” he whispered rubbing her back as she pulled back to check him over to make sure he really was ok.

“Damn it you scared me,” Erin said wiping her eyes. She’d been so afraid he’d just gone, left, and she wouldn’t be able to find him.

“Hey… hey… it’s ok. I’m sorry Er... I just… you were sleeping so good and I needed a run. I’m here,” he whispered picking her up. She didn’t care that he was all sweaty and needed a shower; he was here and she just needed to feel him close.

He carried her to the bathroom knowing she didn’t want to let him out of her sight. He set her on the counter as he stripped letting the water warm up. Once he was done, he pulled the academy shirt over her head. He gazed down at the nasty bruise on her stomach and he felt his stomach turn over as the color drained from his face. He closed his eyes tight as he felt her fingers skim over his chest.

“Shower… now,” she whispered pushing him in and following him. He had his face turned into the spray with his back to her. He couldn’t get over the fact that he’d hit her; it was eating him up inside and he couldn’t face her. He felt her arms wrap around his stomach and he tensed.

“Jay… relax. It’s just me. I’m here.” She placed soft kisses up and down his back.

“Er…. Stop…. Just stop,” he whispered pulling her hands from around him. He didn’t deserve her love or comfort. He’d hurt her, done the one thing he swore he never would, and he couldn’t face her.

Erin was a little shocked, but she didn’t listen. She wrapped her arms back around him and held tight laying her head against his back. “Erin…..” Jay said desperately trying not to break.

“I’m not leaving. I’m not going to stop loving you. I’m not going to stop giving you the comfort you need. I’m not and you’re not going to make me. You never stopped with me and I will not stop either,” she said squeezing him a little.

Jay broke. The tears came hard and fast and he sank to the floor of the shower as he sobbed. He made it impossible to hold him; he laid his head on his knees and his hands ran through his hair as he lost it. “I……. I…. hit you,” he sobbed over and over. Erin couldn’t stop her tears from silently falling down her cheeks.

“Jay… Jay baby… it’s ok. It’s ok. I’m ok. Please… please look at me. I’m here,” she pleaded with him reaching for his hands. She finally managed to lace her fingers with his. “Jay… come on baby let’s get out… let’s go lay down,” she pleaded. She knew he would eventually cry himself out and he would be asleep in the shower. She tugged at his hand.

“Please baby…” she whispered standing up. Jay finally followed, still crying as Erin turned the water off. She wrapped a towel around him and then herself. She barely got him to the bed. “Jay… it’s ok I promise. You didn’t know. It was an accident,” she said laying on top of him although it made him tense.

“Jay come on babe… look at me… I’m right here. I’m ok,” she whispered running her fingers through his wet curly hair.

“I did the one thing…. The one thing I swore I never would…. I don’t deserve this Er…. Just… just go,” he cried.

“I’m not leaving Jay. I’m not. You didn’t mean it. You didn’t know. You do deserve this. You deserve everything I can give you and more. You would never hurt me and I know it. It was an accident baby… an accident.” She pleaded with him to understand as she ran her fingers through his hair.

He cried until he fell asleep again. Erin laid her head on his chest listening to the steady beat of his heart. She had no idea how to get through to him and make him see that it was ok. She sent Mouse a text. “You coming over for breakfast? I think he needs someone to talk to other than me.”

She hated admitting that she couldn’t help him, but she would do whatever was needed to get him through this. “Yea. I’ll be there in 15. Anything in particular for breakfast?”

“Don’t know if he’ll eat but get those bagels he likes from the bakery down from the apartment.”

“Will do. See you in 15.”

True to his word Mouse was knocking on their door in 15 minutes. She eased out of Jays arms; he’d wrapped them around her in his sleep. She slipped on one of his Blackhawk shirts and a pair of sweats as she went to let Mouse in.

“Hey,” he said holding up the bag of bagels. “Got you coffee too,” he said.

Erin couldn’t help but hug him catching Mouse off guard. “You’re a life saver,” she whispered pulling back and snatching the coffee out his hand. Mouse laughed. “Well I don’t know about that, but you’re welcome.”

Erin smiled and settled on the couch drinking her coffee. “So where is he?”

“Asleep again,” Erin sighed. Mouse set down on the couch with her.

“What happened last night?”

Erin was quiet for a minute. “After I got him back in bed from talking to you, he had one more dream. He was jerking and hitting in his sleep and he hit me… three times. I know he didn’t mean it, that he didn’t know what he was doing, but it’s eating up inside. He locked himself in the bathroom as he got sick when he realized what had happened. I had to kick the door in,” she laughed a little. “But I had to get to him. I managed to get him back to bed, and he told me about Ty.”

Erin took a sip of her coffee before continuing. “Then he fell asleep. This morning I woke up and he was gone. Just as I was fixing to call you, he came home. He’d been out for a run. He lost it in the shower when he saw the bruise on my stomach. He says he doesn’t deserve the love and comfort and I should leave.”

She sighed. She wanted to be able to help him, but she didn’t know what to do. “I got him to lay back down and he’s asleep again.”

Mouse was being quiet, lost in thought. “Erin do you know why hitting you, even though he was asleep and didn’t know it, has messed him up?” Erin shook her head no. She was just starting to learn all these things about him, but this was not one of the things he’d shared. Mouse sighed already knowing that was going to be her answer.

“Erin… I’m only telling you this so you’ll understand, but you can't say anything about it until he tells you himself.” At Erin’s nod, Mouse continued. “His father…. He was abusive.” He heard Erin’s quiet gasp. “Mainly to their mother but to Jay too. He swore he’d never be that person.”

“But he’s not Mouse… he would never…”

Mouse nodded. “We all know this, but right now… he’s dealing with a lot. The fact that he did it, even asleep is messing with him. But we will get him through this… I promise.” Erin nodded as she heard movement in the bedroom.

“I’m gonna go check on him and then let yall have some time,” she said standing up. She walked into the bedroom and wrapped her arms around as he was pulling his sweats on. She kissed up and down his back. “Mouse is here…. He came to check on you and he brought the bagels you like.”

She felt Jay spin her around to face him. He rubbed her cheek as he gazed into those hazel eyes that always grounded him. His eyes were still red from last night and this morning. “I’m so sorry Erin… so sorry,” he whispered. She reached up and cradled his cheek as she softly rubbed her thumb back and forth across his stubble.

“Jay…. It is ok. I’m ok. You didn’t mean it. I know you would never hurt me. It is ok babe.” Jay leaned down and rested his forehead against hers as he sighed softly. She ran her fingers through his hair.

“I’m gonna go to the gym with Kim and let you spend some time with Mouse and then I’ll be back, ok?” she whispered. She felt him wrap his arms around her tight holding her to him. “I’ll be back I promise. I just want to give yall a little time.” He relaxed his hold a little.

“Yea that’s fine Er.” She stood on tip toe and softly kissed him.

“I will be back I promise,” she smiled. She felt him nod as he slowly let her go. She went to the closet and changed clothes as he went out to find Mouse. She took a deep breath as she changed. She hoped Mouse would be able to get through to him because it was really breaking her seeing him so broken and hurt. Now she knew what he went through when she crawled down her hole after Nadia. ‘Never again,’ she told herself. Never again would she put him through that.

 

Jay settled on the couch with Mouse being quiet. Mouse passed him the bag of bagels; “Thanks Mouse,” Jay said taking out the chocolate chip one he loved. He knew Erin had probably told him to get them and he smiled a little. He had no idea what he’d done to deserve her.

Once Jay had eaten, Mouse glanced over at him. “Talk Jay,” he said quietly. He wasn’t giving him the option anymore. He’d tried twice and both times Jay shut him down, but this time he wasn’t making it a choice.

Jay sighed running his fingers through his hair. “And don’t try saying you’re good again, because I know better.”

Jay chuckled. “So what’d she tell you?”

“Doesn’t matter. I want to hear it from you. I want you to talk because it’s only going to get worse if you don’t and you know it.”

Jay sighed. He knew Mouse was right. “It was a rough night Mouse.”

“What happened after you left?”

Jay shook his head. “I came home, took a shower and we went to bed. I forewarned her about the dreams…Just the usual ones. The mixture of all the flashbacks, then….. Then… Chris…” he sighed. He could still see the look on his Sarah’s face when he told her…. told her that Chris wasn’t coming back and that it was his fault.

“Jay…. Not your fault buddy. He would’ve done it anyways and you know it. It wasn’t your fault.”

Jay sighed not meeting Mouse’s eyes. “The look on her face…. Her broken cries…. You weren’t there Mouse… it was my job to bring him home and I didn’t.”

Mouse laid a hand on his shoulder. “Just because you were in charge, doesn’t make you responsible for all of us when we make our own decsions. You’ve gotta let it go buddy. Sarah doesn’t blame you… no one does.” Jay looked at him with tear filled eyes. This wasn’t their first time at this.

“You’ve talked to Sarah?” Jay said quietly.

Mouse nodded. “Yea at least once a month. I check on her and Christopher and she always wants to know how we’re holding up…. She doesn’t blame you Jay. She’s wanted me to tell you, but I never knew when the best time would be. She knows that we did all we could. She doesn’t blame you.”

Jay started crying. He’d been so sure Sarah would blame him; it was his fault that Chris wasn’t here with her after all. He got up and walked to the kitchen before he sank down in the floor and sobbed. He hated anyone seeing him like this, all broken and upset.

Mouse gave him a minute. It was always better to just let him get it out. He walked into the kitchen after a few minutes. “Come on buddy. Let’s go finish talking,” Mouse said pulling him up. He wrapped an arm around his waist and led him back to the couch. “What next, Jay?”

Jay laid his head on the back of the couch running his hands over his face. “I told her… not everything you know since it’s… classified but I hit the highlights so she’d know. Then…. Then it was about Ty…. I… I hit her Mouse…. I hit her,” he cried.

“You didn’t do it intentionally buddy. You were asleep. How many times have you hit me in your sleep?” Mouse asked with a smirk. It at least made Jay sorta chuckle. “I know I’m not Erin... but it’s not any different. You know you don’t know what you’re doing when you’re dreaming. It just happened. She’s ok and she doesn’t blame you either.”

Jay sighed. “I know…. But I swore…. I swore I’d never…”

Mouse nodded. “I know Jay. But it wasn’t intentional. It’s not like you set out to punch her. It happened. She knows you wouldn’t do that to her. She knows it.”

Jay nodded. “I know… I just… I dunno…. I shouldn’t have….”

“You couldn’t control it Jay. It just happened. But you’ve got to tell her. She doesn’t understand and she deserves to know. You’ve told her everything else and she’s still here.”

“Yea… yea I know… What’d you tell her?” Jay asked glancing over at him with a small smile.

Mouse shook his head. “Just that’d I’d talk to you. It wasn’t my place buddy. That’s your story to tell her when you’re ready.”

Jay nodded as he heard her key in the door. He wiped his eyes and smiled at her as she came through the door. “Hey. I’m just gonna go shower,” she said heading for the bathroom. She looked beat and exhausted. He knew she’d probably pushed herself hard at the gym to keep from worrying about him.

“Ok Er. Be there soon,” he smiled trying to reassure her he was ok. Erin nodded and kept going.

“I’m gonna go. Yall need to rest. And Jay?”

“Yea?”

“Angie doesn’t blame you either. No on blames you for anything so it’s time to let it go.”

Jay nodded. “Thanks Mouse… for always being here.”

“It’s what best friends are for.” Mouse smiled as he turned to go. “Call me if you need anything.”

Jay nodded. “Yea yea we will.” He let Mouse out and went to find Erin. She was just getting out of the shower. He dried her off and then slipped his Ranger shirt over her head. He knew she loved it. She was a little surprised but happy. She wrapped her arms around him.

“Better?” she whispered.

Jay nodded as he softly kissed her. “We need to talk about one more thing and I should be. Then we rest.” He smiled a little.

He picked her up and carried her to bed, keeping her in his lap. He wanted her close. He rested his forehead against hers. “I know… I know you’re ok and I know it was an accident. I just… I swore I’d never be that person… our dad… he… he was awful to mom… and half the time me. Will was golden in his eyes, and as long as Will was around things were fine. Will seemed to be the only one to get through to him. I swore I’d never be him. That’d I’d never hit my girl or my kids. When… when I realized I had… I couldn’t handle it Er.”

Jay sighed as he felt her run her fingers through his hair. He cradled her face making her look at him. “I will never… ever…. ever hit you or our kids. Ever.”

Erin rubbed his cheek with one hand as she kept the other in his hair. “I know Jay. I know that’s not you. You’re loving and kind and loyal and trustworthy. I know you would never hurt me or our kids.”

Jay softly kissed her; “Never,” he promised. He hadn’t told her everything, but he told her enough she’d understand. He wasn’t ready to delve into that part of his life that’d he’d buried for so long just yet, but one day…. One day he would tell her because he wants her to know everything about him. Jay laid down holding her on top of him. “Let’s get some good sleep,” he whispered rubbing her back. He felt her nod, knew she was tired from not sleeping good and working out.

It wasn’t long before he heard her breathing even out. He kissed the top of her head as he felt her drifting. He heard his phone ding with a text. He carefully checked it, making sure not to wake her. It was Will wanting to know if he was ok and if he needed anything. He sent him a quick text back so he wouldn’t worry. He knew they needed to talk soon so he asked if tomorrow was good.

“Of course. Lunch? I think Nat is taking Owen to see Maggie and April and have lunch with them so I’ll be here by myself if you wanna come over.”

“Yea sounds good. I’ll text you in the morning.” Jay was glad that Will had grown up and settled down. He was close by and he was the brother he remembered, the brother he missed after Afghanistan, the brother he needed. Jay laid his phone back on the night stand and closed his eyes drifting to sleep holding Erin tight.


	4. Chapter 4

Jay and Erin slept off and on most of the day; Jay sleeping more than Erin. He wasn’t looking forward to this conversation with Will, but he knew he needed to have it; knew that honestly Will would be the only one to understand where he was coming from.

When he woke the next morning, Erin was asleep wrapped around him and he smiled a little. He’d at least made it through the night without any dreams and he hadn’t hurt her again. He sighed softly. He carefully reached for his phone. “Still good for lunch?” he text Will.

“Of course brother. I’ll order us Chinese and you can stay as long as you need. Nat’s gonna take Owen to eat with Maggie and April and then maybe shop.”

“Ok thanks Will. I’ll see you about noon.”

Jay felt Erin waking. He softly rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. “Good morning beautiful,” he whispered.

Erin moaned and snuggled back into him. Jay chuckled a little. “Ok sleep Er.

“You ok?” she whispered making him smile.

“Yea baby, I’m ok. I’m gonna have lunch with Will today.”

“Ok that’s fine,” she whispered drifting back to sleep.

Jay tried rolling her to the bed to sleep but she whimpered and held on. He kissed her forehead as he held her. She eventually woke up around ten. He softly kissed her. “Hey sleeping beauty,” he smiled.

She stretched; “Hey baby,” she whispered. Jay rubbed her back.

“Sleep good?” she asked him.

“Yea Er I did. You?”

‘Yea I always sleep good on you,” she smiled.

Jay softly kissed her. “You gonna be ok today?” he asked her.

“Yea sweetie of course.” Jay nodded.

“I told Will I would come over about noon.”

Erin nodded. “What about Nat and Owen?”

“He said she was having lunch with Maggie and April. Then maybe shopping or something.”

“Ok. I might meet up with her to shop. That will be fun,” she smiled. Jay softly kissed her. He felt extremely lucky to have her and he never planned on letting her go. They got up and got ready for the day. Jay skipped breakfast because he knew he would be eating lunch with Will soon and Erin just ate something light.

She’d text Nat about meeting up with her and Owen to shop and Natalie said that was a great idea. At 11:30 Jay left to go to Will’s. She had a couple of hours before she had to meet Natalie so she curled up on the couch and watched some TV. She hoped this talk with Will helped him because she really wanted her guy back and happy.

 

Jay knocked on Will’s door. He still couldn’t believe Will had settled down enough with one woman, much less someone as amazing as Natalie. He’d taken on the role of step-father much better than Jay had ever expected and he really couldn’t be more proud of Will.

Will opened the door and wrapped Jay in a hug. He’d been really worried about his little brother since they’d learned of Ty’s death. “I’m ok Will,” he said hugging him back.

“I know. I just had to make sure,” Will said pulling him into the apartment. “I got Chinese; all your favorites,” he said as Jay sat down on the couch.

Jay chuckled. “All my favorites huh?” Will laughed handing him a plate.

“Yea… they just happen to be my favorites too.” Jay laughed as he took the plate and started eating.

“So what’s up Jay?”

“Just needed to talk,” he said with a small shrug. Will was quiet as they ate. He knew Jay would start talking when he was ready. It took him until he finished his plate of Chinese before he said anything.

“Ty’s death…. It… it brought up memories, dreams,” Jay said quietly not looking at Will. Will was quiet; he got up and carried their plates to the kitchen before sitting on the couch with Jay. He laid his hand on Jay’s shoulder and gently squeezed.

“I’m here to listen little brother… whatever you need,” Will said quietly.

Jay nodded. “After the funeral….. Erin stayed. She wouldn’t leave. I tried to give her a heads up, but she stayed.”

Will nodded. “She loves you Jay. She wouldn’t leave you because of this…”

“I know… but it’s always bad Will,” Jay whispered.

“Ok… well tell me about it. I know it’s not easy to talk about and I know you haven’t really talked about it with anyone other than Mouse. I know I wasn’t there before little brother… but I’m here now. Let me help you Jay,” he pleaded biting back his own emotion.

Jay looked at Will with tear filled eyes, and Will had to take a deep breath so he could be the rock Jay needed at the moment.

“I couldn’t save him Will….. I couldn’t save them…. I was supposed to bring them home and I couldn’t….. I let them down…..” Jay cried. Will couldn’t stand it. He wrapped his arms around Jay and rubbed his head. When they were little rubbing his head was the only thing that really calmed him down.

“It’s ok buddy…. It’s ok,” he whispered over and over. He knew Jay felt responsible for all of them, but he didn’t know how to help him get over this guilt. Jay cried on Will’s shoulder for a few minutes before he slowly regained control.

Jay kept his head on Will’s shoulder. “Chris…. He… We were on surveillance, me him and Mouse. He decided he had a better vantage point and went off on his own. After a few minutes Mouse and I went after him it was too late. By the time we found him….” Jay shook his head. “It made Keyes men look like amateurs.”

Will had been one of the only ones to see the full damage of what Keyes men had done to him because Jay refused any doctor but his brother or Natalie. Will kept quiet; now that Jay was talking he didn’t want him to quit.

“It was never the fire fights, or the combat, or the possibilities of being kidnapped and tortured that I couldn’t handle… it was coming home…. Facing the families and the wives and…. And… having to tell them…. It… it was my fault their loved one wasn’t coming home.” More tears slipped down his cheeks and Will barely kept his in.

“It wasn’t your fault buddy. It was never your fault. Yea… you were in charge, but you couldn’t control everything. It wasn’t your fault Jay.” Will needed him to understand this or the guilt would keep eating him up.

Jay went on like he hadn’t heard Will. “There was only three of us that came home from that second tour; me, Mouse, and Ty. Mouse and I got a medical discharge; Ty did two more tours before getting out. Ty and Angie… they…. They were doing so good. Ty Jr just turned one and I thought everything was good ya know?”

He started crying again and Will rubbed his head that was still laying on his shoulder. He hated seeing his baby brother so upset, but he knew he had to let him get it out.

“I hadn’t talked to him in about a month. He called one day and we were wrapped up in a case and I didn’t answer. So he called Mouse. . He… he’d gotten mixed up with this…. Medical marijuana clinic…. And he wanted out, but the owner was a real bitch. So Mouse calls her up… pretending to be back on the streets and needing a job. So he hooks her up with a security system and he called me later. When he said he was going to tell her I could do security… I knew I had to for Ty. It was the only way we could think of to protect him and get him out.” He sighed.

“She was a real bitch… always flirting and wanting favors and every time I’d basically tell her to go to hell. The first time Ty saw me in there…. He panicked. Mouse hadn’t told him I was coming and every time I’d call he wouldn’t answer…. I tried talking to him one night when she was out and he shut down on me. Only would say she preyed on ex-Military men needing ‘help.’ I hated her on the spot after that.”

He paused to take a deep breath.

“She somehow got access to Ty’s file…. Found out he knew me. Hence that’s when Intelligence stepped in and made the take down. Ty… he ran. He was afraid others in the operation, that made good money off of it, would come after him thinking it was him that brought the cop in. Mouse…. Managed to ping his phone and we found him.” Jay shuttered at the memory. “When… we found him at the motel… it wasn’t good Will… he… he was sitting on the bed with his gun…. Kept saying over and over how sorry he was and that he couldn’t do this…. Couldn’t live with the fear again…”

He was practically sobbing again reliving it for the third time in too few days.

“Mouse and I both…. We both tried talking to him…. telling him we could help him that he needed to think about Angie…. But nothing worked…… he was so afraid they would come after him or her…. and it reminded him too much of Afghanistan….. Before…. Before I could grab it…. He pulled the trigger….” By now he was sobbing and Will was barely holding in his own tears.

“I…. I had to go tell Angie….. tell her I let them down….. I didn’t keep him safe like I promised….. had to tell her….. just like with Chris’s wife….. had to tell her Ty wouldn’t be coming back and Ty Jr would never get to know what a wonderful dad he had…… he saved me Will but I couldn’t save him….” he cried.

Will was confused as he rubbed Jay’s head. “What do you mean buddy? How’d he save you?”

Jay couldn’t do it. He was sobbing and broken. He and Will were finally in a good place and he couldn’t hurt Will like this.

“Come on Jay tell me baby brother. I’m here,” Will whispered laying Jay’s head in his lap still rubbing his head.

“Our…. Our second tour was awful… Mouse and I were a mess. He managed….. To pull it together before me and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here. We…. We were in a convoy. Mouse and I were in the lead Humvee with Spencer because as Staff Sargent, you always lead.” He took a deep breath pulling it together. All these memories were wearing him down.

“We… we hit an IED. The Humvee was blown apart…” Will took a deep breath as his own tears started. He knew Jay had been through hell, he just never knew what had happened.

“The others behind us… were ambushed. Mouse….. I was trapped. I was pinned under part of the Humvee. It…. It… was taking fire from the ambush, and I just knew I was going to die…” Will couldn’t stop the tears that slipped down his cheeks without Jay knowing it. He had come so close to losing his brother when they were barely even speaking, and if that had happened Will would never have forgiven himself.

“I was laying there thinking about everything I’d never get to do…. How I wouldn’t get to fix things with you….. And….. And…. I saw mama…” He was sobbing as Will rubbed his head.

“When…. When… I saw her… I knew that was it… but she told me to hang on. I didn’t want to…. I wanted to go with her….. I miss her so much…. So so much Will…… I miss mama,” he sobbed making Will’s heart break in two. He pulled Jay up and held him in a tight hug as his own tears fell.

“I know buddy…. I know. I miss her too… I’m sorry Jay…. So sorry….” Will whispered to him as he held him tight. He held him, rubbing his head until he calmed down enough to finish the story.

“Mouse…. He managed to pull me out. He had a gunshot wound to the shoulder and a gash in his side, but he still managed to save me. I… I had a concussion, a broken arm, a couple of bruised ribs and a piece of glass here,” he said pointing to a place on his shoulder where a bullet proof vest wouldn’t cover.

“Ty… he was the only other one to survive. He… he managed to patch Mouse up enough to stop the bleeding. Between the two of them… they got all three of us to safety. We… we laid in a desert ditch for two hours waiting on Mouse to fix the radio so he could call for an extraction team. I’d long since passed out so I only know this because Mouse told me. Another hour passed and finally the extraction team arrived. They flew all three of us straight to Germany.”

“They had to trach me, and I woke up two days after the explosion. Ty had been unharmed for the most part. A few stitches in his arm and he was good. They sent him back. Mouse had to have surgery on his shoulder and twenty stitches in his side. They had to give him two blood transfusions from blood loss. Me… They set my arm and it was in a cast. They wrapped my ribs and removed the glass from my shoulder, but not before I almost died, hence the trach. The Army decided Mouse and I had had enough and gave us both medical discharges. We came home a week later.”

“After that I couldn’t handle it. The dreams, the memories…. The being alone… it was all too much and as you know Mouse pulled me out. So now you know all about it,” Jay sighed; he’d quit crying but didn’t feel better yet.

“Seems like there’s more that happened. You could’ve told Erin all that and been fine. What else is there little brother?” Jay sighed. He forgot that Will had gotten close and knew all his tells, knew when he was hiding something and there was more to the story. He was the big brother Jay remembered from when they were younger, the big brother he needed and he knew he had to tell him.

“One of the dreams… the one about Ty… I hit her,” he whispered as his tears started again. “I left a bruise…. And ugly nasty bruise,” he cried quietly.

“Jay….. Buddy it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know what you were doing.”

“I still hit her…. the one thing…. The one thing we both promised mama we would never do no matter what…. I did!” he screamed as he got up to pace as his tears flowed. Will sighed as he watched Jay pace back and forth across his living room. This was the one thing eating at him more than the dreams.

“Jay… Jay…” Will tried but Jay ignored him lost in memories. Will got up and put his hands on Jay’s shoulders making him stop and look at him. “You are not him! You are not him!” Will repeated. “Say it Jay, say it,” Will said quietly looking into his brother’s tortured eyes.

Jay shook his head no. “Say it Jay. You are not him. You are better than him. You didn’t mean it; you didn’t know. Say it,” Will quietly demanded.

“I’m not him,” Jay whispered once, twice, three times, before he collapsed in sobs as Will held him.

“You’re not him baby brother you’re not. You never have been and never will. You are so much better than him,” Will whispered to him as his own tears fell. Jay was worn out and he knew it. He held him as he cried and then helped him up. “Come on. Let’s go rest and then we can talk more,” Will said as he wrapped his arm around Jay’s waist helping him to their guest room.

Once he had Jay laid down, Jay grabbed his arm. “Please don’t leave Will, please,” Jay begged. Will nodded and laid down beside him. “I’m right here baby brother… I’m here,” he whispered rubbing his head as Jay fell asleep on his shoulder.

Will sent Erin a text. “He’s ok. He’s worn out and he just fell asleep. Come by with Nat if you want but we still have more talking to do.”

“Just take care of him. Call me if he wants me there,” she text back. Will laid his phone down and wiped the tears from Jay’s cheeks. “You’re gonna be ok brother I promise,” Will whispered as he let his eyes close too. He knew their upcoming conversation wouldn’t be any easier so he decided to rest too. With those thoughts he drifted to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Natalie and Owen went back to Erin’s apartment. She figured Will and Jay needed some more time so she text him and let him know that she was with Erin and to just let her know when it was ok to come home.

Will woke up before Jay. He gently eased Jay off his shoulder and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He knew they still had to talk, but honestly it was not going to be an easy conversation. He wasn’t sure either of them were really emotionally stable enough to have it after talking about his tours, but he knew they needed to. As the big brother it was his job to look out for Jay and take care of him. Which in this case meant making him talk no matter how unpleasant it was going to be.

He sat down on the couch and grabbed the photo album he’d dug out last night after Jay had text. He’d shown Nat and Owen all the different pictures, but now he just needed to look at them again. He saw the pictures of them as kids at the cabin, pictures of them with their mom, extended family pictures at the cabin. There weren’t any of his father, and at this moment he was glad.

The further back he went, the older they got. He watched as he and Jay changed from kids to teenagers. Then the pictures changed to just individual pictures of them because they quit being in pictures together once Will went to med school and Jay joined the Army. The last two pictures were one of Will and their mom and the other was Jay and their mom. It was after she’d found out about the cancer.

Will had come home to see her before going back to New York. She was still good when he came home and they both looked happy in the picture. It was the last picture they’d taken together. The one of her and Jay was on his leave between tours. She was sicker, the cancer had spread and they had been told it was only a matter of time, but she was still smiling. Jay was the one to come home and take care of her. He’d always been her baby…

Jay had been the one to be there and do everything for her. She hated it too; she didn’t think her kids should ever have to take care of her. No one had ever taken care of her, and she wasn’t about to let her baby start. Jay would call him all hours of the day and night so mad and hurt that she was trying to shut him out. Will couldn’t handle it; he couldn’t handle any of it. So he stayed in New York and focused on school and parties and girls. It got to the point he quit answering Jay’s calls and would just listen to the voicemails later.

When he went home for the funeral, he and Jay were barely speaking, and then Jay left the very next day for another tour. It wasn’t until Jay had got out and Will moved back to Chicago for good, did they start to repair their relationship. Will stared at the last two pictures as tears gathered in his eyes.

“I’m sorry mama…. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I let you down and I let Jay down. I was supposed to take care of him, be there for him and I wasn’t. I wasn’t there for you either and I’m sorry.” The tears fell hard and fast as the guilt ate at him. He’d let them down, but he was trying to do better.

“She never blamed you,” Jay said quietly from the doorway to the living room. He’d woken up and Will wasn’t around. He’d been afraid he’d left, but he heard him in the living room.

Will looked up wiping his eyes. “She should’ve. I let you both down. I should’ve been there…. I should’ve helped you and been there for her.”

Jay nodded. He wasn’t disagreeing on that point, but he also understood a little. “She never blamed you…. She would get so mad at me for blaming you too. She would tell me that you had to deal with everything your own way, and eventually you would come around.” Jay walked over and sat down on the couch by Will looking at the pictures too. “And of course she was right… even if I didn’t want to believe her then.”

They both were quiet for a few minutes staring at the pictures. “Jay….. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I should’ve been there. Not just to help with mama, I should’ve been there for it all. I should’ve protected you better.”

“We were both kids Will… You couldn’t have protected me too much more than you already did.”

“But I should’ve been there more. I should’ve stayed around, and more than anything I should’ve supported you when you joined the Army instead of turning my back on you too.”

“I might not have understood then, but I do know now Will.” He laid his hand on Will’s shoulder and squeezed like Will had done to him yesterday. “I forgive you Will,” Jay said quietly. Jay knew it was true a long time ago, but he knew Will needed to actually hear him say it. Will pulled him into a tight hug as the tears fell down his cheeks.

Will slowly pulled back. “And here I was supposed to be making you talk,” he chuckled a little wiping his eyes. Jay smiled a little.

“And just what am I supposed to be talking about now?” he asked quietly.

“You’re not him Jay, and I know you. You’re thinking you are and that you broke our promise to mama because of what happened. But you are not him little brother. You never have been.”

Jay ran his hand over his face. Deep down he knew Will was right, but he couldn’t get the image of that nasty bruise marring her beautiful skin out of his head. “Talk to me Jay.”

Jay sighed. “I don’t even know how many times I hit her…. but that bruise… god Will it was awful. It was every color and it was huge. I didn’t even know I did it…. I never…. I’m not…. She’s not supposed to have that kind of mark from me….”

Tears had gathered in his eyes and he took a minute to take a deep breath. “What did it remind you of?” Will asked quietly seeing memories flash across Jay’s face.

“It was the night of your senior prom. After you left…. Mama…. She… told me to go out; get ice cream, hang out with friends, whatever I wanted. She did that…. Because she’d seen his anger over her taking so many pictures…. She didn’t want me there….. Knew… knew I’d step in and it would just be worse for me.”

The tears spilled over his cheeks; he’d never told Will what really happened that night because he didn’t want to ruin any good memories for him. But now he knew he had to.

“When I got home…. She was laying on the couch barely awake… She had the typical bruises on her arms…. But she had this really bad one on her stomach…. It was huge… he’d hit her… over and over. Told her she shouldn’t have taken so many pictures because the girl would always change. That if he didn’t have an image to keep, he’d have a different woman every week.”

Will was furious and angry. It was always something like this… the comments, the abuse. He knew there was more to the story because when he’d gotten home, Jay had his own bruises. He stayed quiet giving Jay the time he needed to finish the story.

“I was furious and enraged…. Ya know… that temper getting the best of me…. I found him in his office. He was none too happy to see me. Asked what the hell I thought I was doing. All I could see was rage… but I was just sixteen…. I got one good punch in… hence his black eye. The bruises on my chest you saw… he pinned my hands to his desk in one of his hands and used his fist…. I kicked and screamed my hate at him…. it only made it worse….. I got one good kick in too…. And just before I broke his hold as he recovered…. He grabbed the scissors and sliced right above my hip.”

Wil had remembered the bloody towels and seeing Jay hiding something that night he just didn’t know what.

“When he saw the blood he was done… told me to get the hell out of there and leave him alone. I went straight to our bathroom… didn’t want mama to see it…. I’d never been more glad than in that moment that I had actually listened to you when you’d taught me how to stitch something…. It hurt like hell and I was just pleading with someone that you would come home…. But I managed to thread the needle while holding the towel against the sink and my hip… I stitched it up biting back the screams and then went to bed…”

Will was sick and disgusted. It was always something like that with their father. He was constantly abusive to their mother (and Jay)… He only stayed with her because he was a prominent doctor in the city. Will was his favorite because he was going to be a doctor like him. The abuse was never as bad if Will was around, but it was never good.

Once Will was through med school, he divorced her. Jay was away on his first tour when he learned about it. He was glad for his mother’s sake, but their dad didn’t make it easy. Somehow he managed to keep her from getting anything; no money, no house, nothing… Jay had been furious and sent money home to her. Will had pitched in and got her an apartment, but it wasn’t the best because the boys weren’t rich.

It wasn’t long after that when she got the cancer diagnosis. It was way too much all at once for Will and he just stayed away. He’d been the one to break the news to Jay, despite his mother begging him to wait until Jay got home. Will didn’t wait, arguing that Jay deserved to know.

Their father refused to help her in any way, saying she’d brought it on herself so she could deal with it. She’d told both boys to just let it go; she didn’t need his help any more. In reality, he’d been the best chance of saving her, and Jay never forgave him. He didn’t even attend the funeral, both boys thankful, because he was at some social party with his girlfriend of the week.

Both of them had tears streaming down their cheeks; Jay from the painful memories of abuse he and his mother endured, Will for not protecting them and being there for them.

“Look at me Jay,” Will said quietly.

Jay slowly met his brother’s tear-filled eyes with his own. Will couldn’t stop himself from reaching over and wiping at Jay’s tears. “You are not him! He purposefully set out to do that… he intentionally put those bruises on you both. You didn’t do that… You would never do that little brother. That is not you!”

Will pulled him into a hug as Jay sobbed on his shoulder. He cried for the little boy he’d been; he cried for the teenager that felt so much responsibility to protect but couldn’t; he cried for the Ranger that hadn’t been able to bring all his men home safe; he cried for the detective who couldn’t protect a friend; and he cried for the man who had unintentionally hurt his girl. He cried until he couldn’t cry anymore.

Will held him the whole time just letting him get it out as his own tears fell. “It’s ok baby brother I got you, I got you. It’s all ok,” he whispered over and over. Jay’s tears slowly subsided as Will held him and rubbed his head.

“No one blames you Jay… no one,” he whispered.

Jay slowly nodded keeping his head on Will’s shoulder. Deep down he knew Will was right, but it was going to take him a little bit to accept it. “Why don’t you stay here tonight? It’ll be just like when we were kids and you’d sneak into my room,” Will chuckled.

It at least got Jay to smile; “What about our girls?”

“I’ll text Nat, tell her our plans. They can come here too that way Owen can sleep in his own bed.”

Jay nodded; “Yea sounds good.” He was so exhausted from all of this that he was almost asleep on Will’s shoulder.

“Come on baby brother,” Will said pulling him up and taking him back to bed. He laid down with him before Jay could even ask. Jay laid his head on his shoulder. “Just like when we were kids,” he whispered as Will started rubbing his head.

Will sent Nat a text telling her to come home and bring Erin. When he got a positive reply from her, he saw Jay was already sound asleep. He kissed Jay’s forehead. “You’re gonna be ok baby brother. I’m gonna make sure of it. I won't let you down again,” he whispered as he too drifted asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

When Nat, Owen, and Erin got to the apartment they found the brothers asleep. “Look at them,” Natalie whispered to Erin. Erin smiled; “I guess they’re ok?”

“I’d say so. Come on, I’ll put Owen down and we can chat or go to bed; whichever you want to do.”

“Yea a little chat would be good,” Erin said as she went to curl up on the couch. Natalie tucked Owen into his crib and kissed his cheek. “Sleep tight little man.”

She found Erin curled on the couch looking at the picture album. “Will got that out last night,” she smiled sitting down by Erin.

“They were cute kids.” Natalie laughed as she agreed.

Erin got to the last pictures; “Does Will talk about her?”

“Some. Probably no more than Jay.”

Erin nodded. “Yea… Jay was a mama’s boy.”

Natalie nodded; “So are you ok Er?” They had become good friends over their mutual love for brothers and Natalie was worried about her. Erin nodded.

“Yea, I’m ok. Just been worried about him. I really hope this helped him.”

“I’m sure you have too, Er.”

Erin sighed. “I dunno about that. His dreams are brutal for him.”

Natalie nodded. “It happens when something triggers his PTSD, but he’s still Jay.”

“Yea I know. I just feel like it was more than just the dreams that were bothering him.”

“What do you mean sweetie?”

“There was just something about when he hit me in his sleep. I dunno…. Maybe he’ll tell me one day.”

Natalie gave her a hug; “I’m sure he will Er. Come on, why don’t we go get some rest. I’m sure it’s been a long few days.” Erin nodded as she yawned. “I’ll go wake Will and you can sleep in there with Jay.”

“No, no it’s fine. I can just sleep here on the couch,” she said as she grabbed a blanket to cover up.

“Erin… you don’t have to do that.”

Before Erin could reply, Will walked out rubbing his eyes. “I thought I heard yall,” he whispered. Natalie smiled at him as he walked towards her. “Come on Er go to bed,” Nat said and Erin nodded.

As she walked passed Will she gave him a hug; “Thank you for taking care of him,” she whispered.

“Of course sweetie. He’s fine or he will be I promise.” Will gently pushed her into the room where Jay was and quietly closed the door. He walked over and wrapped his arm around Nat and softly kissed her.

“Come on let’s go to bed,” she smiled at him. Will followed her to their room and crawled in bed. He wrapped his arm around her back as she settled against him with her head on his chest. “You ok?” she whispered kissing his chest.

“Yea… it’s just been a long day.”

“Jay ok? Erin’s been worried about him.”

“Yea I think he is now. He just needed to talk.”

Natalie nodded as she rubbed his cheek.

“Hey, Nat?” he whispered.

“Yea babe?”

“I wanna share something with you,” he whispered. He’d never told this to anyone but Jay, but he wanted Natalie to know everything about him.

“Of course Will. You can tell me anything.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Our dad… was abusive; not to me, but to mom and to Jay. He liked me because I was going to be a doctor, be like him.” He got quiet again, and Natalie gave him the time he needed. She felt a few tears fall on her hand and her heart broke.

“What is it baby?” she whispered when he stayed quiet and more tears fell.

“I never wanted to be him. I hated the way he treated them, but I did what he wanted, what was expected of me. I let my mama and my brother down over and over. I never wanted to be him,” he cried.

“You’re not like him Will. I don’t know what he was like, but you’re not abusive and you’re here for Jay now. You’ve made amends and you made things right. I bet he never did that.”

Will shook his head as Natalie rubbed his cheek. “But I started out treating you awful…” he whispered but Nat stopped him.

“But you stopped and you realized what you were doing. We’re fine Will I promise.” He pulled her up and kissed her.

“I swear Nat, I’ll never intentionally hurt you or Owen. I’d rather die first.”

Natalie rubbed his cheek. “I know sweetheart. I know you’d never hurt us.” Will nodded as she wiped his eyes.

“I love you Nat,” he whispered.

She kissed him hard. “I love you too Will.” She curled into him and rubbed his cheek until he fell asleep. There was so much mystery to these brothers, but they were slowly revealing themselves, and there was so much to love about them. Natalie was hopelessly in love with Will, and she was looking forward to spending the rest of forever with him.

 

Jay woke up around three and saw Erin curled up beside him. He had no idea when she got there, but he was glad to see her. He gently brushed the hair off her face and kissed her cheek. “My girl,” he whispered.

He loved her more than anything, and he always would. He’d never intentionally hurt her, and he knew right then, Will was right. He wasn’t their father, and he never would be. He gently pulled her where her head was laying on his chest and fell back asleep holding her close.

Around seven, Jay awoke again. Erin was still sound asleep. He gently rolled her back on the bed, and he slid down. He carefully pulled her shirt up and looked at the bruise. It was still every shade possible, and he felt really awful about it. He knew, though, that it was truly an accident.

He softly kissed all around it, and he felt her shift a little. He wanted forever with her, and he knew he had to tell her what all this was about. He felt Erin run her fingers through his hair.

“Good morning beautiful,” he whispered.

“Morning,” she whispered. “You ok?”

Jay smiled; “Yea Er I’m fine I promise.” He leaned up and softly kissed her. Erin smiled against his lips. “I’m glad,” she whispered.

“I wanna tell you; you deserve to know,” he whispered.

Erin ran her fingers through his hair over and over. “Whenever you want Jay, I’ll listen.”

He nodded. “Let’s eat breakfast and then go home.” Erin nodded her agreement.

They got up and Will and Nat had breakfast waiting. She’d fed Owen, and he was sitting in his swing watching Will and Nat in the kitchen. Jay knelt down by the swing; “Hey little man,” he cooed and Owen cooed back at him.

Erin smiled watching them; he would be a great dad one day and she hoped she was the lucky one that he chose to have kids with. She kissed his cheek as she walked by to go help Will and Nat in the kitchen.

“Everything ok?” Nat asked.

Erin smiled. “Yea everything’s ok. We’re gonna eat and then go home. He said there was something he wanted to tell me so we’ll see.” Will and Natalie nodded. They sat down to eat and shared easy conversation over breakfast. They talked about what the girls had done yesterday and stories about things Owen had done. Once they were done, Jay and Erin helped clean up and said their goodbyes.

Once they got back to Jay’s apartment, Erin curled up on the couch. He kissed the top of her head. “I’m gonna go get something, and I’ll be back.”

“Ok baby. I’ll be here,” she smiled up at him.

Jay went to his closet and reached up to the top shelf. He dug around until he found it. He pulled it down and blew the dust off the cover of the photo album. He grabbed a quilt too. He carried it all back to the living room.

He sat down by Erin and unfolded the quilt wrapping it around her. “What’s this?” she asked with a smile.

“A quilt mama made for me. Will and I both got one when we graduated high school.”

“It’s beautiful,” she smiled. She felt so honored that he was sharing this part of him with her. She noticed the photo album; it looked similar to the one Will had. “And what’s that?” she asked nodding towards it.

Jay smiled as he opened it pulling her into his side. “A picture album. Mama made sure we each had copies of all the pictures she took.”

He slowly flipped through the album letting her look at the pictures. He’d tell her some stories that went with the pictures. Erin loved listening to him talk; she was learning so much about his childhood.

She snuggled into his chest as he drew soft, random patterns on her arm. She noticed there wasn’t pictures of his father, but she didn’t press it. They got to the last pictures; they were identical to the one in Will’s.

“This was right before she died. She was so sick and things were so hard.” Erin leaned up and kissed her cheek.

“I’m sorry Jay.”

Ha gave her a sad smile; “It’s ok Er.” He knew she knew what it was like having gone through it with Camille. The only difference being she had Hank and he had no one. “That’s a story for another day,” he said closing the book.

“What story is for today then?” she asked quietly. His hand stopped drawing patterns and he was quiet.

“There doesn’t have to be a story. We have all kinds of time for stories,” she said trying to reassure him.

“No you deserve to know Er. You deserve to know why I freaked out. You deserve to know because I want this forever with you.”

Erin looked up at him and smiled. “I want that too. So whenever you want to talk I’ll always listen.” Jay leaned down and softly kissed her

“Our dad… he was abusive to mama and me…. She made Will and I promise that we would never, ever turn out like him. That we would always love and cherish the girl we found.”

“But you do Jay. I know you love me and would never hurt me.”

Jay nodded; “Never Er. And when I realized I had… I just couldn’t handle it. I swore I’d never be him… I can't be him....”

“I dunno what he did Jay, but I do know you’re not him.”

Jay was quiet lost in the memories. Erin slowly crawled into his lap and laid her head on his shoulder. She pulled his mama’s quilt around them both. She reached up and rubbed his cheek; “It’s ok Jay. I’m here and you’re safe,” she whispered. She knew what it was like to be trapped in the memories and not be able to tell the difference between a memory and reality.

Jay turned his cheek into her hand needing her comfort as a single tear slid down his cheek. “It was never as bad if Will was around. He’d always be able to talk him down. I hated him; it was awful.” He rested his cheek against hers on his shoulder.

“The worst night was the night of Will’s senior prom. I was sixteen.” Erin laced her hand with his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Once Will and his date left…. Mama she… she told me to go out… get ice cream or hang out with friends. I never understood why until I got back.”

Erin rubbed her thumb back and forth across his knuckles as she used her other hand to run through his hair.

“She… she… was laying on the couch barely awake. She had the normal bruises on her arms, but she was so lifeless…. I checked her over. I wasn’t going to med school, but I’d learned enough from Will. Surprisingly nothing was broken… but…. But… she had this nasty bruise on her stomach…. It was huge and every color imaginable. He did it because he said she’d taken too many pictures of Will and his date. He told her the girl would always change and she shouldn’t waste so many pictures. He told her if he didn’t have an image to keep, he’d have a different girl every week. ”

Erin realized why the bruise on her stomach bothered him so much. “Oh Jay,” she whispered kissing his cheek. Jay closed his eyes as the pain the memory brought. A few tears slipped down his cheeks. Erin carefully wiped them.

“I was furious… my temper got the best of me, and I stormed through the house looking for him.”

Erin bit her lip holding in her gasp, knowing where this was going.

“I found him in his office. I caught him off guard and punched him with all I had. He had a black eye for a few days, and it just pissed him off more that I’d actually hit him.”

Jay took a breath and looked at her. “The rest isn’t pretty Er,” he whispered.

She cradled his face; “I don’t care baby. If you wanna tell me go ahead, if not it’s ok,” she said rubbing his cheeks as she held his face. He looked deep into her eyes and saw her love for him reflected back at him.

Jay nodded slowly; “He…. He pinned me to the desk… I tried to fight back, but he was still stronger. I kicked and screamed at him and I managed to get one good kick in. I’d almost broke his hold when he recovered.”

Jay shuttered at the memory and Erin rubbed his cheek. “You’re safe babe,” she whispered.

“Just… just before I got away from him… he… grabbed scissors and slashed right above my hip,” he said quickly closing his eyes. He heard her gasp and couldn’t look at her afraid of what he’d see if he did. He didn’t want her to feel any different about him, but he was afraid she would, that she would see him as weak and feel pity for him.

She cradled his face and straddled him so she could look at him fully. She wiped the tears that had been falling. “Jay… look at me babe… please,” she pleased quietly.

He cautiously opened his eyes and she rubbed his cheeks. “It’s ok. I’m right here,” she whispered. “And I’m not going anywhere.” He knew it was true.

“Then what happened?” she asked never breaking his gaze. Jay rested his forehead against hers and sighed.

“He was done as soon as he saw the blood, he always was. I went upstairs and begged and pleaded with anyone that Will would come early. But he didn’t. So I used a towel and put it between my hip and the sink trying to stop the bleeding. This is the one time one of Will’s lessons actually came in handy. I stitched myself up and prayed mama hadn’t heard my cries.”

Erin had tears running down her cheeks. She had no idea things had been so terrible for him; he hid it so well. He wiped her tears; “It’s ok Er,” he whispered.

“Was it always like that?”

Jay nodded. “My whole life. When Will was twelve he already knew how to put a cast on someone. I’d gotten in his way one day while he was trying to ‘work’ and he knocked me down the stairs. Broke my arm but he never ever took us to the hospital because it would ruin his imagine. So Will set it and put a cast on my arm at twelve,” he said and Erin cried more. “It was always something,” he whispered.

He laid her head on his shoulder as she cried.

“Will went to med school, and I had just moved to the Rangers. He finally divorced her. It was probably the best thing to ever happen to her except he made sure she didn’t get anything…. Will and I pitched in and got her an apartment but it wasn’t the best because we really didn’t have that much. She never complained though.”

Erin sat back up to look at him and cradle his face.

“Will was in his last year of med school. I was on my first tour when she got sick with cancer. If it hadn’t been for Will she wouldn’t have told me,” Jay sighed as Erin ran her fingers through his hair. “I came home and things were bad. He could’ve saved her but he wouldn’t. He was too busy with his new girlfriend every week. I did the best I could, but she wouldn’t let me help her that much.”

Erin wiped his tears and rubbed his cheek. “I know babe. I know that feeling.” Jay knew she did.

“He didn’t come to the funeral and we were glad. I haven’t spoken to him in over three years, and I couldn’t even tell you where he was or if he is even still alive.”

“That doesn’t matter Jay. The way he treated you and your mom, he doesn’t deserve to know what an amazing man you are despite the way he treated you.”

Jay softly kissed her; he had no idea how he got lucky enough to find her but he was so glad he did.

Erin loved him more than she could ever imagine. He was a strong amazing man and she felt so lucky that he wanted her and loved her. She softly kissed him again.

They stayed curled on the couch most of the day under his mama’s quilt sharing memories of their childhoods. The more the learned about him the more her love for him grew and she knew it would continue to grow the longer she was with him.


	7. Chapter 7

**4 months later…**

Things had been looking up for Jay and Erin. The nightmares had stopped, and Jay was doing really good. He and Erin had gotten really close and things were looking up for their relationship too. They had caught a case that week, and they were still looking for the suspect.

Their perp, Sean Johnson, had been kidnapping girls and turning them into prostitutes and drugies. It was really getting to all of them, and Voight had them working overtime to find him.

It was just after lunch when Mouse got a hit on his location. They rolled up to this abandoned warehouse; Voight gave out instructions. He sent Jay and Erin to cover the back. They breeched on Voight’s command over their comms.

Jay and Erin came to a divided hallway. Erin nodded she’d go one way, and Jay to go the other; he silently nodded his agreement. He was nearing the end of his hallway when he heard two gunshots. He finished clearing and sprinted back to head down Erin’s hall. He prayed it wasn’t her, not when he should’ve went with her to have her back.

Voight was doing radio checks and she was the only one not responding. Jay was clearing rooms looking for her, trying to be careful because all he needed was to end up hurt too. He saw her laying on the ground, blood pooling around her arm and head. He had to make sure the room was safe, so he cleared it and dropped to her side with tears filling his eyes.

He found the wound, two shots to the shoulder just above her vest. He put pressure on it as he felt for her pulse. It was weak but it was there. He reached for his radio with a shaky hand as he tried to keep his emotions in check. “10-1, 10-1, this is Detective Jay Halstead. My partner’s been shot, I repeat I have an officer down. I need an ambulance at our location, stat!”

He put his hand back over his other one trying to keep her blood in as a few tears slipped down his cheeks. “Come on Er. Not like this. Please stay with me, please,” he pleaded. He heard the team approaching. Voight demanded an update on the ambulance as Antonio knelt down by him, handing him towels to put on her wound. He knew he should’ve been with her and that he was probably going to get the third degree from Voight later. But right now, her being ok was all the mattered.

Brett and Gabby came flying in; Jimmy was sick and Gabby had to take his place. They hooked her up to ivs and started packing the wound. They loaded her on the stretcher and Jay followed holding her hand tight. He didn’t even ask, just jumped into the back of the ambulance with her as tears poured down his cheeks.

Antonio had seen the look Gabby had given him, and he knew it wasn’t good. But Erin was a fighter, and she would pull through this; she just had too. He pulled his phone out and called Med. Will needed to know.

When they got to Med, Will, Nat and Conner were waiting on them. Her stats were low and they had to act fast. Jay was almost completely out of it. He had dried blood on his hands and arms. He even had some on his cheeks where he’d tried wiping his tears that were still falling fast.

Will grabbed him by the shoulders as Conner and Nat took Erin. “Jay, you can't buddy. You got to let us do our job.”

“But… she… she… she…” he cried not able to form his thoughts.

“I know… I know… Go wash up and wait here. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.” He hated having to leave him, but he knew Jay would want him to work on her too. He also figured the team would be arriving any minute. He turned and sprinted after them knowing Conner was probably taking her to surgery.

Jay stood there for a minute. He was breaking. He looked down at his hands and barely held in a sob. He saw the team coming through the doors and he didn’t want them to see him like this. He was supposed to be keeping it professional, but this was Erin… his Erin.

He headed straight to the bathroom before anyone could see him. He stood at the sink, not able to look himself in the eyes. This was his fault; he hadn’t had her back like he should’ve and now she was shot, bleeding out and it was his fault. He turned the water on scalding hot and stuck his hands under the spray.

He started scrubbing as hard as he could as he watched the water turn pink. He couldn’t stand the sight of the blood on his hands, her blood. The tears fell down his cheeks. Her blood should never have been on his hands, but it was, and he had to get it off. He scrubbed and scrubbed, not hearing Ethan come in.

Ethan saw him and had heard Erin had been brought in. He laid his hand on Jay’s shoulder and he flinched. “It’s ok Jay. Just me. Just wanted to see if you were ok,” he said quietly noticing how red Jay’s hands were from the hot water. He reached over and turned it off.

“I’m fine. I’m alright,” Jay said grabbing paper towels and drying his hands and cheeks.

“Jay…” Ethan started, but Jay just shook his head and walked out. He saw the team in the waiting room. Antonio, Kevin, and Adam were the only ones there. No one had thought to call Mouse yet, and Hank and Al had gone after their suspect. Jay knew he was probably going to end up at the docks or silos, but at this point, he couldn’t care. All he cared about was Erin.

Antonio saw him and got up to come get him. “Jay?” Antonio said quietly.

“Will? Has he come out yet? Have you heard anything?”

Antonio shook his head. “I’m sure he’ll let us know as soon as there’s an update.”

Jay just nodded. Antonio pulled him into the waiting room with them. He managed to sit there for an hour before he couldn’t sit still in any longer. Will should’ve told him something by now, but he hadn’t.

Jay got up and went to the front desk. He asked Maggie if there was an update, and she gave him a sad smile and shook her head. “She’s still in surgery. I’m sorry Jay,” she said giving his shoulder a squeeze. Jay sighed but nodded. He saw Hank and Al walking in. He wanted to know what happened, but he didn’t want to have to talk to Voight yet.

He started to slip off and Hank saw him. “Halstead,” he called and Jay visibly shrunk in on himself some.

“Yea?” he said once they were closer.

“Erin?” Hank asked. He was acting gruff because this was his little girl, but he knew Halstead was beating himself up enough so he would lighten up in a minute. Plus, he knew Erin would kill him for giving Jay a hard time. He knew how much she loved him and how good he was for her.

“In surgery for over an hour. I haven’t had an update. Will said he would let me know when he could.” Jay wouldn’t meet his eyes. He knew his were red rimmed from crying and he really just didn’t want to have to deal with Voight. “I gotta… I’m going to get some air,” he said snaking around them quickly and out the door.

Hank started to go after him, but Al stopped him. “Let him deal for a few. He probably thinks you’re ready to kill him.” Hank nodded. The thought had crossed his mind, but he knew Jay was a good kid that really just loved his girl.

Once outside, Jay found a quiet corner and sank down to the ground along the wall. He laid his head on his knees and took a deep breath. He couldn’t get the image of her bleeding out of his head. He let the sobs escape as the images stayed stuck in his mind. His Erin…. he hadn’t protected her, hadn’t had her back and she’d gotten shot. She’d lost so much blood.

He wrapped his arms around himself as he sobbed. He heard people walking by but he couldn’t care. He slowly caught his breath. He knew he needed to get back inside in case Will came out with an update, but he couldn’t stand the team seeing him like this. He slowly got up and walked back in.

“Maggie? Is there somewhere quiet away from everyone that I can wait?” he asked her.

Maggie nodded and showed him to a private waiting area where there wasn’t any one. She felt for him, she really did. Everyone knew how in love Jay and Erin were and she knew waiting was hard. “I’ll let Will know,” she said and Jay nodded.

He couldn’t sit still. He paced back and forth in the little room. All he could think about was Erin, all he could see was Erin bleeding on the concrete floor, and he was slowly losing it. He couldn’t quit crying, couldn’t get the images out of his head.

Adam went out and called Mouse when Maggie told them Jay was off alone because he wanted to be. Someone needed to be there for him, and it didn’t look like any of them were going to be able to get through to him. Mouse said he’d be there in ten.

Jay kept pacing. He didn’t know why Will had not been out yet. He needed to know what was going on with Erin. He needed to be with her. She would be scared when she woke up, and he needed to be there. As bad as he hated hospitals, he would stay as long as she was there.

Antonio had come to check on him and all Jay would say was he was fine as he hid the tears that had been pouring down his cheeks. Antonio let out a soft sigh and told him Mouse would be there soon. Jay barely acknowledge it; all he wanted was to be with Erin.

He glanced at the clock and saw they had been there almost two hours. He was slowly losing his mind. If Will didn’t hurry up, he was going to go absolutely fucking crazy.

Someone opened the door and a doctor walked in. “Umm sir…”

Jay looked at her. Where was Will or Nat or Conner he wondered? “I’m a resident and the doctor asked me to let you know…. I’m sorry sir there’s no easy way to say it but she didn’t make it.”

Jay felt his whole world crumble. He sank to the floor as sobs wracked his body. How could Will do this? How come he didn’t come tell him himself? “Again, I’m sorry,” she said and walked out. It was never easy telling a loved one that someone had died. She was new to the hospital and it never got easier.

Jay had his arms wrapped tight around his knees as he sobbed. He didn’t even get to tell her goodbye. He didn’t get to tell her one more time how much he loved her. His body shook as he broke completely in two. His Erin…. his precious girl was gone and it was all his fault.

He saw everything he wanted flash before his eyes as he sobbed. He never got to propose to her; he never got to see her in a beautiful wedding gown as she walked down the aisle to him with a smile only for him; he never got to see her pregnant with their babies; he wasn’t going to get to grow old with her. Everything he wanted in life revolve around her, and now she was gone.

His body shook as he sobbed and sobbed hard. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t do this without her. He cried her name on sobs as he felt himself dying. He heard the door open again, but he couldn’t look up. He couldn’t face his team and tell them it was his fault Erin was gone. His Erin…

Mouse had come in and saw Jay completely broken. “Jay…. Buddy what is it?” Mouse asked sinking into the floor with him wrapping an arm around Jay’s back. Jay couldn’t answer him as he sobbed. He was on the verge of passing out from lack of oxygen and Mouse was worried the worst had happened and Jay wasn’t going to be ok.

He shoved Jay’s head between his knees and held it trying to make him breathe. “Come on Jay. Breathe damn it.” He kept sobbing; he couldn’t handle knowing he was going to have to go through this life without her.

That’s how Will found them. He sent Mouse a confused look. He sat down in front of Jay. “Jay brother breathe… breathe,” Will said rubbing his head.

Jay looked up at him with broken eyes that were full of tears as he caught his breath. “Why?? Why did you do this to me?? Why couldn’t you tell me yourself? Why?? Why didn’t you save her Will?” he cried over and over to Will.

Will was totally confused and looked at Mouse. He just shrugged and mouthed “I just got here.”

“Jay? What are you talking about little brother?” Will pulled him into his arms trying to offer comfort even though he didn’t know why.

“She… you… you had someone come tell me…. Why couldn’t you do it Will? Why?” Jay cried as Will held him tighter.

“I didn’t have anyone come tell you anything Jay. I was just coming to update you now. We just finished surgery.”

Jay looked up at him with tear filled eyes. “But… but… she said… she said… she said she didn’t make it,” he cried.

“Who buddy? Who said?”

“That…. That… resident. She said… the doctor sent her to tell that she didn’t make it.”

Will held Jay tight and rubbed his head. “We didn’t have a single resident with us buddy. It was just us three and nurses. There wasn’t a resident. I wouldn’t do that to you. Erin’s ok. She came through surgery fine. We got the bullets and had to give her some blood but she’s ok. We just put her in recovery before moving her to a room.”

Jay just kept looking at him as he cried. “She’s… she’s… she’s ok,” he whispered.

“Yea buddy. She’s ok. Come on I’ll let you go see her and then I’ll find this resident ok?” Will wiped his tears as he rubbed Jay’s head. “She’s ok?” he repeated again trying to get it to sink in in his mix of emotions.

“Yea. She’s ok come on, let’s go see her.” Will said pulling Jay up. He kept his arm around him and close. Maggie gave him a funny look and Will just shook his head. He stopped for a second. “Find me the resident that was just in there with him. She gave him the wrong information,” Will said to Maggie and she nodded already figuring out what wrong information was given.

Will led Jay to recovery even though he wasn’t technically supposed to see her until she was in a room. “See… here she is. She’s sleeping still but she’s ok little brother,” Will said as he sat Jay in a chair right next to her bed.

Jay grabbed her hand and cried some more laying his head on the bed listening to her heart monitor strum out a steady beat. He watched her chest rise and fall. “I’m sorry Er…. I’m so sorry baby,” he whispered as his tears fell. Will was going to give them some time while he had a chat with the resident that almost wrecked his brother for good. He told Natalie to keep an eye on them and he would be back. She nodded and kissed his cheek as she stood outside Erin’s recovery room keeping an eye on them both.

Jay held her hand and cried himself to sleep right there with his head on her bed. It’d been a long day and he was completely exhausted. He could hear her heart beating and she was still with him. That was all that mattered for now; Erin was still here and she was going to be ok.


	8. Chapter 8

Natalie watched Jay fall asleep and she let out a soft sigh. She went to find Will to find out what was going on. Will was waiting with Maggie and he looked furious. “Hey babe. What happened?”

Will sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. “Who’s watching them?”

“They’re ok. Jay fell asleep.”

Will nodded. “I found…. I found Jay in the waiting room with Mouse, curled in on himself just sobbing. Some resident told him that she hadn’t made it,” Will said quietly.

Natalie was shocked. “We didn’t have a resident though.”

“I know. Maggie’s tracking her down.”

“Ok. I’ll go update the team for you and then she’ll probably be ready to move to a room.”

“Thanks baby,” he said kissing her forehead as she walked off. Maggie had tracked down the resident and she was on her way down. Natalie let the team know Erin had come through surgery fine. They’d removed the bullets and given her some blood. With a little rest and maybe some physical therapy she would be just fine.

She told them that Jay was with her right now, and that as soon as she was moved to a room, she would come let them know.

She went back to the nurse’s station just as the resident walked up. “I was paged,” she said coming across as annoyed which did not help Will’s mood at all. Natalie put her hand on his arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Yea you were. Which doctor sent you to do a notification earlier?”

“Dr. Lucas. Why? Who are you?”

Natalie could feel Will’s temper rising and quite frankly, her’s was too. She squeezed his arm again and said, “I’m Dr. Manning and this is Dr. Halstead. We understand that you notified a patient’s husband except, you notified the wrong guy.”

“What do you mean?” the resident asked still looking annoyed with this conversation.

“The guy you informed was my brother!!! His partner, a detective and his girlfriend, was brought here today and we were still in surgery! Except, you told him she didn’t make it!” Several eyes were watching them, but Will couldn’t care at this point. He was so furious at this chick’s attitude and what she’d put Jay through.

“Did you even think to ask his name or tell him the patient’s name?!” Natalie asked.

The resident shook her head no. “I was told to inform the patient’s husband and they said he would be in the waiting room. That guy was by himself so I just assumed it was him,” she shrugged.

“Yea well you assumed wrong!” Will yelled. Natalie gave Maggie a look; she knew he’d had enough.

“Come on Will, let’s go check on them,” Nat said pulling him away before he did something stupid. She left Maggie to deal with the resident and she knew Maggie would.

They walked back to recovery and Erin was starting to wake up. “Hey sweetie. How do you feel?”

“Sore…” she said as Natalie handed her some water for her scratchy throat. “Thanks Nat.”

“Of course,” Nat smiled rubbing her good arm.

Erin glanced down at Jay’s tear stained sleeping face as Will was checking her over. “He’ll be ok Er. He just got the wrong info from a resident who’s being handled,” Natalie said softly.

“Oh no,” she whispered as she threaded her fingers through his hair.

“I know,” Nat said sadly.

Erin looked at Will; “Can I get out of here?”

Will smiled. “Not yet Er. You just had major surgery and we had to give you some blood. So we’re going to keep you to monitor you.”

Erin sighed; “Ok Will.”

“We’re going to move you to a room,” he said and she nodded.

“Take him home and make him sleep.” Will nodded as Natalie tried waking him.

“I’ll try Er, but he’ll put up a fight.” Erin smiled as she reached and rubbed his cheek. He slowly opened his eyes and saw her awake. A small smile graced his lips.

“Erin… baby… I’m so sorry, so sorry,” he said sitting down on the side of the bed cradling her face.

“It wasn’t you’re fault Jay. It’s ok. I’m ok.” She reached up with her good hand and rubbed his cheek. Jay laid his hand over hers.

“I should’ve been with you, had your back.”

“It was my decision Jay. It’s ok,” she whispered lacing her fingers with his and giving them a squeeze. Before Jay could reply, Will spoke up; “We’re going to move her to a room little brother.”

Jay nodded as he stood up, but he didn’t let go of her hand. Will and Nat pushed her bed to a room. “I’m going to go let the team know what room you’re in if you’re up for visitors.” Nat asked Erin.

“Yea that’s fine. The sooner they come, the sooner they can come home and rest.”

Natalie gave her a smile and a nod and headed out. Jay had sat down on her bed again, just holding her hand. Erin gave it a squeeze. “I’m ok. I promise, Jay.”

“You’re still feeling the drugs,” he grinned letting his humor shine a little making her smile. Before she could respond, there was a knock on the door and the team walked in. “Don’t stay too long,” Will said with a smile before going out to give them time.

Natalie was waiting right outside her room. “You going to get him to leave?” she asked when he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“I’m gonna try,” he sighed. Natalie laid her head against his shoulder.

“Why don’t you get Owen and take him and Jay home. I’ll stay with her. It might make him leave easier if one of us is here.”

“Yea probably, but you don’t have to do that Nat.”

She smiled up at him; “I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Besides, he needs some sleep after this day, and I’m off tomorrow so I’ll be fine.”

Will nodded. “Ok. I’m going to miss you tonight though.”

Natalie leaned up and gave him a kiss; “I know. I’ll miss you too, but they need us right now.”

Will nodded. “I know. Come on let’s go see what happened with the resident.”

 

Inside her room, Jay was still sitting on her bed as conversation swirled around him. The team didn’t know what he’d been told, and he wanted to keep it that way. He couldn’t quit watching her, making sure she was still breathing and ok.

Slowly everyone left, leaving Jay, Erin and Hank. “Really, Hank, I’m fine. I’m just going to sleep and then get out of here. I’ll be good as new,” she smiled.

“I’m sure you will kiddo.” He gave her leg a gentle squeeze. “Halstead? Can we talk?” Hank asked nodding towards the door.

Before Jay could agree, and she knew he would out of respect for his Sargent, Erin spoke up as Jay tensed. “Not now Hank. Just let it go,” she said giving him a pointed look. He’d noticed how quiet the kid had been while they’d all been there, and he honestly just wanted to see how he was doing.

Everyone seemed to think he was going to kill Jay, and honestly, before he’d seen how happy he made Erin, he would’ve. But he’d seen how happy and carefree Erin had been lately and that’s all he wanted for her.

“Ok… ok,” he said holding his hands up to show her he meant no harm. “Tomorrow then. I’ll be by before shift,” he said placing a gentle kiss to Erin’s forehead. Erin nodded as Hank left.

She gave Jay’s hand another squeeze. “Jay?” she asked tentatively also noticing how quiet he’d been while everyone was there. She was wearing down from the events and the pain medicine Will had given her, but she had to try one more time to get through to him.

“Huh?” he asked being pulled from his thoughts.

“I’m here. I’m fine. I’m going to be ok.”

He nodded as he watched her. “Yea… yea… I know… it… it was just too close today,” he said giving her a sad smile.

“I know, but I’m ok,” she smiled. “Go home and get some sleep, please. I’ll be fine.”

Jay was shaking his head no the whole time; “I’m not leaving you again,” he said barely choking back the tears.

Erin rubbed his cheek. “I’m ok baby. I promise. You need to get some sleep. I’ll probably sleep all night anyways.”

Will and Nat walked back in as she finished. “She’s right little brother. Why don’t we go home and get some rest?”

Jay turned and looked at him; “I’m not leaving her!”

Natalie walked up and laid her hand on Jay’s shoulder. “I’m gonna stay Jay. The couch is just the right height for me, so you’d be really uncomfortable. Go home with Will and get some sleep. Then come back in the morning.”

Jay sighed as Erin sleepily agreed with Natalie and Will. “I’ll be back before you wake,” he whispered leaning over and giving her a kiss. He didn’t plan on being at home for long, but to appease them all, he would go for a bit. He waited until she was asleep before he stood up.

Natalie gave him a hug; she felt for him because he’d been through a lot today. “I won't leave until you’re back,” she said.

“Thanks Nat,” he whispered.

“Take care of him,” she whispered to Will as she gave him a hug and kiss goodbye.

“I will. I’ll see you in the morning. Call if anything happens.”

“I will,” she smiled pushing him out the door after Jay. Erin was fast asleep, and Natalie curled up on the couch. It wasn’t long and she fell asleep too.

 

Will caught up with Jay at the car; “I’ve got to stop and get Owen and then we’ll head back to my place.”

Jay just shrugged as he climbed in the passenger seat. He stared out the window the whole time and Will kept quiet. He knew he had to get him to talk, but now wasn’t the time. He stopped and got Owen, who was excited to see his uncle Jay. Jay smiled at him as they headed back to the apartment.

Will got Owen settled in bed after giving him a bottle and went out to join Jay on the couch. He was just sitting on the couch staring at the blank TV. Will felt awful that some stupid resident had put Jay through all of this, but he knew he had to get him to talk.

“Come on little brother, talk to me.”

Jay stayed quiet. Will scooted closer and wrapped his arm around his shoulders giving them a gentle squeeze. “She’s ok baby brother; she’s ok.”

Jay started crying and Will pulled his head over to lay on his shoulder. “She’s ok. She’s going to be ok,” Will said over and over.

“I…. almost… lost… her,” he cried.

“I know buddy… I know, but you didn’t. She’s going to be ok. She’s going to be fine Jay, I promise.” Jay cried on Will’s shoulder thinking about how close he’d come to losing her today. He couldn’t live without her. There was still so much he wanted to do with her.

Will rubbed his head as Jay got it all out. “I should’ve been with her. We’d split at the hallway. She went one way, I went the other. If I’d been with her….”

“Jay stop! You can't play the what if game. What if you’d been with her and you’d both gotten shot or worse?! You can't do this to yourself little brother. You just can't.”

Will held him tight. He’d come too close to losing them today and that just couldn’t happen. He knew their jobs were dangerous, but today he got to see just how dangerous. Will was keeping it together for Jay, but the thought of losing his little brother or the girl he’d come to see as Jay’s other half and little sister, was just too much for him too.

Jay slowly calmed down. He knew deep down that Will was right, but this was his girl and she’d gotten hurt. Will just held him and rubbed his head. Once Jay was calm he got up and got him something to drink.

“Come on little brother, let’s get you to bed.”

Jay let Will take him to bed; he didn’t figure he’d sleep or stay long, but he went to appease Will. What he didn’t realize is that Will had slipped a sleeping pill into his drink, knowing Jay wouldn’t sleep.

Jay was out as soon as his head hit the pillow. “Sleep tight, little brother,” Will whispered quietly closing the door and going to bed.


	9. Chapter 9

Jay slowly woke the next morning looking around confused at first. He slowly realized he was at Will’s, and yesterday came flooding back to him. He could hear Will and Owen so he knew it must be morning. He jumped up and grabbed his phone; it was nine thirty.

“Will!” he called.

“Say good morning Uncle Jay,” Will said wiping Owen’s face of his breakfast.

Owen cooed and babbled at them as Jay ran a hand through his hair. “You gave me something didn’t you,” Jay accused.

Will shrugged. “You needed the sleep.”

Jay sighed. “I gotta get back.”

“She’s fine. Eat some breakfast and we’ll go.”

“I’m good. I’m leaving.”

“Jay! Stop. Natalie is still there and she’s fine. Eat some breakfast and we’ll go.”

Jay glared at him, but since Owen was there he held in the fight he was dying to have with his brother for making decisions for him. He sat down and Will passed him Owen. Jay took the happy boy while Will made breakfast.

They ate listening to Owen babble to them. Jay was dying to get back. Will finally grabbed Owen’s bag and they headed out. Once they pulled up at the hospital, Jay jumped out leaving him to get Owen. He ran up to her room just needing to make sure she was still there.

He slowed down before he bust through her door. She and Nat were sitting there talking. “Hey Er,” he smiled.

“Hey babe. Did you get some sleep?”

Jay nodded. Erin figured Will must have given him something because she’d honestly thought he’d been back already.

“Ma!” they heard Owen squeal making them laugh.

Natalie took Owen and they went out to the hall to give them a minute. Jay sat down on the side of the bed and rubbed her cheek. “You ok Er?”

Erin nodded. “I’m ok babe; I promise.”

“Er…”

“No. No apologies. I’m fine Jay. Everything is going to be ok. Hopefully your brother is gonna send me home today,” she said with a smile rubbing his cheek.

“Yea…. I dunno if Voight is gonna give me time off or not.”

“I’ll be fine Jay. Really.”

Before they could continue anymore there was a knock at the door and Hank walked in. Jay kept quiet. He still wasn’t ready for the conversation he knew was coming.

Hank checked on Erin and they carried on conversation while Jay just watched her breathing. “I’ll be right back,” he said feeling the walls closing in as Hank watched him. He hated how it felt to have him just staring knowing he was going to have to face him sooner or later. Erin gave his hand a squeeze as he went out. She was worried about him; she was afraid this was going to be a setback from how far they’d come in the last four months and she just wanted him ok.

Jay went out in the hall and took a deep breath. He knew he had to face the music from Hank before too long, and he was most definitely not looking forward to it. He sat down in the floor outside her room and thought about all the things he should’ve done differently yesterday. He knew he never should’ve let her go off on her own, but this was Erin and he knew she could take care of herself.

As he sat there and thought, he heard the door to her room open. He held in his groan when he looked up and saw Hank. He jumped up and Hank nodded for him to follow him. Jay nodded and followed Hank to the roof. Jay kept his hands lanced behind his back, intermittently squeezing his nails into his hand to try and relieve some stress.

He was bracing himself for what was to come because he knew he deserved whatever Hank dished out for letting Erin get shot. He kept quiet, waiting.

“Jay, are you ok?” Hank asked catching Jay off guard with the use of his first name and the relaxed tone Hank had.

“Uh… Yes sir I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You’ve been really quiet and distracted. Not just yesterday, but today too.”

“Yea I’m fine.” There was no way Jay was going to admit anything to his boss, even though he was sure Erin had confided in him four months ago.

“Did you sleep any last night kid?”

Jay was still confused why Voight was being so nice to him. “Yes sir. I stayed at Will’s.” That definitely answered the question on whether he slept because Hank knew Will would make him or at least give him something to sleep.

“Great. Listen, Erin’s going to be out for a few weeks because of her shoulder and depending on if she needs physical therapy or not it might be longer.”

Jay nodded. “Understood. I can partner up with someone else or work with Mouse when needed. It won't be a problem.”

“Actually I was thinking about giving you the first week or two off with her so she didn’t do too much.”

The look on Jay’s face was priceless. “That… that would put you down two people though.”

“I know, but I’ll just pull Burgess and Roman if I have to.”

“Sir… really I… I wasn’t going to ask for anytime off. I mean, I know you know about us, but I wasn’t going to ask. I was just going to get Will or Nat to check on her and still work. I mean… we’re not going to ask anything extra from you, ever.”

“You didn’t ask kid. I’m giving it to you so you can stay home and take care of her and make sure she doesn’t overdo it so she heals properly.”

Jay was beyond shocked and confused. “Why…. Why are you being nice to me?! It was all my fault and you’re being nice. You… you should be trying to push me off here or yelling at me or something because I let your daughter not just get hurt, but shot.”

“You also saved her life Jay.”

“No!… No!… if I’d been with her like I was supposed to be I wouldn’t have had to ‘save’ her. This is all my fault! So yell, scream, hit me, whatever but being nice is not you.”

Hank reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder to calm him and he could see Jay visibly brace to be hit. “I’m not going to hit you kid, relax.” He knew from bits and piece of what Erin had said that Jay definitely didn’t have it easy growing up. He could see Jay hadn’t relaxed any.

“Damn it just doing something already! The waiting is the worst! Just get it over with already!” he cried.

Hank slowly reached out and put both his hands on Jay’s shoulders; Jay’s eyes closed instinctively. He hated that Hank was seeing this, but it was natural reactions, he couldn’t stop it. “Jay… look at me.” He was so tense under Hank’s hands.

“Jay…. seriously look at me.” He had his eyes scrunched tight waiting. He hated the waiting worst of all.

“Halstead. Open your damn eyes.” That seemed to do the trick. Gb

Jay slowly opened his eyes trying to get himself to relax, but he couldn’t.

“I am not going to hit you. I’m not even mad at you. Erin is ok and it was not your fault. She told me how it happened. I do not blame you.”

“But you should,” Jay said fighting tears.

“No I shouldn’t. She made that decision knowing the risk. You two trust each other enough to know what is best in each situation and I trust that. You didn’t know it was going to happen like that. It is not your fault. Without you, she would’ve lost too much blood. You saved her life Jay.”

Jay couldn’t say anything. It was taking everything he had not to break down in front of him.

“Jay, Erin loves you. I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time and it’s because of you. For that I have to say thank you. Take a few weeks with her and then we’ll go from there ok?”

Jay nodded as Hank gave his shoulders a gentle squeeze. “Come on let’s go see her so she will quit worrying.”

“I… yea, I’ll be right there,” Jay said turning to look over the skyline. He needed a minute to process without Hank around.

“Ok. Don’t take too long or she’ll start thinking I killed you,” he chuckled.

Jay couldn’t even laugh because he’d honestly thought that was what was going to happen. He just nodded as Hank headed back to Erin’s room.

When Hank came back without him, Erin started panicking. “What the hell did you do?” she accused.

“I didn’t do anything. He’s just on the roof; said he’d be right down.”

“I don’t believe you! I told you it wasn’t his fault to leave him alone!!!!” She was so mad at him and worried about Jay. She just needed Jay. She got up to go find him, fearing he was bleeding out somewhere without any help.

“Get your ass back in that bed young lady!” Hank said laying her back down.

“Let me go!” She screamed hitting him with her good hand. “What did you do to him?! What did you do?!” she cried. The one and only man she’d ever loved and now her father figure had done something to him. Will and Nat came rushing in seeing her so upset.

“What is going on?” Will asked as Natalie tried to calm her.

“She thinks I did something to Jay because I talked to him. He stayed on the roof saying he needed a minute and would be right now, but she doesn’t believe me.”

Will gave him a skeptical look. “I don’t necessarily believe you either. I’ll be back, get her calm,” he said to Nat receiving a nod. Hank sighed knowing they all had the right to be like this because had the situation been any different, had he not known how Erin really felt about Jay, he would’ve probably killed him.

Will raced to the roof. He found Jay sitting against the railing with his head on his knees. He ran over to him; “Jay? Jay? Are you ok? What hurts? What’s bleeding?” He rapid fired kneeling in front of him.

Jay looked up at him with tear stained eyes. “N…Nothing hurts. Nothing’s bleeding. I’m fine,” he said wiping his eyes.

Will sighed with relief. “Thank god,” he whispered.

“Why?” Jay asked confused.

“Hank came back without you and Erin is freaking out.”

“Shit,” Jay sighed jumping up and running down to her room. He knew she might, but he thought Hank would convince her otherwise. He burst into her room and Erin cried with relief seeing he was ok. Jay laid down on the bed by her, “Hey… hey… it’s ok. I’m fine. He never touched me,” he whispered holding her to him.

Erin ran her hands over his face wiping his tears. “You’re crying,” she whispered.

“So are you,” he smiled a little wiping her tears.

“Because I thought something had happened to you.”

“I’m fine. I swear. We just talked. Nothing happened Er.”

Erin nodded; she looked at Hank, “Sorry Hank,” she said quietly.

“It’s fine kiddo. I understand. I’ve got to get to work but call if you need anything.”

“I will. Thanks.”

Hank nodded and headed out to work. Erin rubbed Jay’s cheek as she watched him making sure he was really ok. “What did he say?” she asked quietly.

“He gave me a couple of weeks off with you and said he didn’t blame me. That you’d told him what happened. He was…. Actually nice to me,” he said still a little shocked.

Erin kissed his cheek. “He can be nice,” she chuckled. He was being quiet, just watching her. “Jay, I’m really ok. It’s not your fault babe.”

“That’s what everyone keeps saying, but it… I just…. I didn’t have your back Er. I should’ve been there and I wasn’t.” A few more tears slipped down his cheeks. He beat himself up more than anyone on the team.

“Jay? Did we not agree to go the separate ways?”

He nodded. “Then it wasn’t your fault Jay. It just happened. It’s the risk of the jobs and we both know it.”

“I know…. But… it’s…”

“No buts. It happened and we’re going to get through it ok.”

Jay softly kissed her forehead. “Together,” he whispered.

Erin smiled; “Yes together, always.”

They laid there together and it wasn’t long and Will came in. Nat and Owen had gone home to rest. “Hey guys,” Will smiled.

“Hey brother,” Jay said quietly because Erin was almost asleep.

“Ready to go home?”

Erin woke up fully at that. “Yes I am.”

Will laughed. “Ok take it easy. You have an appointment next week to get your stitches out and to see about pt.”

“Thanks Will,” she smiled. He nodded and handed them the discharge papers and prescriptions. Jay helped her dress being careful of her shoulder. He drove them home and carried her straight to bed. They were both exhausted and he wanted to just lay in bed holding her close. He laid Erin down and got into some comfy clothes himself.

He laid down and watched her breathing. He knew no matter what they said it was his fault she’d gotten shot, but he knew she was right when she said they’d get through it. It might take a little bit, but they’d made it through so much already, they could get through this too. Jay kissed her forehead softly and fell asleep with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so it wasn’t too emotional, but I wrote most of it at school where my emotions can't get away from me… if you have any suggestions of things you want to see please let me know! Hope you’ll let me know what you thought! :)


	10. Chapter 10

It'd taken Erin about six weeks to make a full complete recovery. The first two weeks they'd spent working through emotions and blame, talking it out until Jay believed he wasn't at fault. Then he went back to work and she was still doing PT. On the fourth week she was cleared for desk duty and two weeks later she was back to full duty.

It felt great being back, and Jay was back in a better place. Things were going good with them.

They'd been working a case all week and hadn't really had much time to spend just them. She could tell by Friday we was getting worn down, and she would be glad when they wrapped the case up.

Friday afternoon they were back at the district so Voight could interrogate their suspect, and close the case. The team was chilling in the bullpen just waiting when Platt walked up. "Halstead, visitor," she said.

Jay and Erin exchanged a look because he wasn't expecting anyone. "I'll send him up?" Platt said before going back down. Erin and Jay assumed it must be Will making a surprise stop by.

Adam, Kevin and Antonio went to the break room to get drinks while Erin stayed with Jay.

The man that topped the stairs definitely wasn't Will so Erin was curious now. She glanced over at Jay and he'd gone rigid sitting on the edge of his desk. His face had paled considerably as well. She was instantly worried.

"Jay?" the man said holding his hand out.

Jay refused to take it which was unusual and he backed away just a little after standing.

"Detective Lindsay," Erin said shaking his hand instead as she kept glancing at her partner. She noticed some facial features similar to Will but she wasn't sure. She could tell the guys were watching from the break room as well.

"Jay?! Aren't you going to say anything?" the man questioned with a smirk.

Erin stepped closer to Jay as she watched him. It was almost like he couldn't breathe and he was seriously whiter than he should be. Before she could ask the man who he was or what he wanted Jay hit the floor. He'd passed out cold.

The guys came running from the break room as Erin tried to wake him. She sent Antonio to get Hank not caring that she'd be interrupting his interrogation as she sent Kevin a pleading look to get rid of this man. He nodded and got up grabbing the man by the arm and escorting him back down the stairs.

Adam radioed in that they needed an ambulance stat for an officer down and he helped Erin try to get Jay awake. Hank, Al and Antonio returned quickly and the four guys managed to lift Jay and get him down to the roll up to wait on the ambulance. Kevin joined them after getting rid of the man.

"He kept screaming I couldn't keep him from his son," Kevin said to Erin.

It suddenly all made sense and she sent Hank a look. They loaded Jay in the ambulance and Erin jumped in too. Hank told the others to get busy digging on Halstead's father; he wanted an update when he called. He jumped in his SUV and followed after the ambulance to Med.

Jay came too in the ambulance after receiving a little oxygen. Erin was so glad to see him awake and softly rubbed his cheek. "It's gonna be ok," she whispered.

"Where is he?" Jay whispered trying to move the oxygen mask.

"Gone. Kev made him leave," she said putting it back on him. Before anything more could be said they pulled up at Med and unloaded him.

She spotted Will first thing and yelled for him as Ethan took over assessment.

"What happened?" Will asked rushing over despite knowing he couldn't work on his brother.

"It's been a long week with a case. I could tell this morning he was wearing down. We were waiting as Hank did the interrogation and some man came to see him. Jay wouldn't speak or shake his hand. He turned so white and before I knew it he passed out. I had Kevin escort the guy out and he kept screaming at him that he couldn't keep him from his son. This can't be your dad right?! He's not around right?" she asked Will.

Will watched Jay carefully as Erin relayed what happened. "It is," he said seeing their dad enter Med. "Erin stay here and no matter what do not let anyone in this room but Ethan or a nurse," Will said rushing out and slamming the sliding door closed.

Ethan had heard the exchange and decided to stay. Jay was stable but from Will's reaction that could change soon.

Voight was right behind their dad and walked in just as Will intercepted him. "What are you doing here?" he growled.

"William, my boy. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Don't touch me," Will said moving his hands. "What are you doing here?"

"Now son, that's not how you treat your old man. Come here give me a hug," he said holding his arms out.

"I said don't touch me!" Will growled as Hank walked closer.

"William stop this. You know better," his father said grabbing his arm.

Will twisted out of his grip as Hank stepped over. "I believe the doctor requested you not touch him," Hank said flashing his badge.

"Leave us alone. This is a family matter."

"Sargent Hank Voight," Hank said sticking his hand out.

"Dr. William Clayton Halstead."

"I see," Hank said.

"What did you do to him?" Will asked cutting the bullshit. He already knew from Erin, but he wanted to see what he'd say.

"How dare you William! I did nothing. Just tried to have a conversation with my son and he passed out. Now I want to see him. He must be sick to pass out on the spot like that."

"I don't go by William," he growled his red headed temper getting the best of him. "And under zero circumstances will you see my brother."

"He's my son. I can see him if I want," William said trying to push Will out of the way.

"You will NOT see him," Will growled shoving him back. "He's never been your son and he's not starting now. I'm gonna say this once and you better listen and listen good. Leave us the hell alone like you have for the last three years and don't come back!"

"How dare you?!" William cried.

"Leave!" Will growled shoving him at Voight knowing he could count on Hank to get rid of him.

He could hear William's protest all though out as Hank escorted him away. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair when he felt a hand on his back.

"You ok?" Natalie asked softly.

"Yea I'm fine. I've gotta check on Jay," he said kissing her forehead.

Natalie nodded and followed after him.

"Will?" Erin asked as soon as he walked through the door.

"He won't be back here," Will said reassuringly automatically checking Jay's vitals. They were up from when he'd come in and that made Will feel better.

He ruffled Jay's hair carefully. "Rest brother, he can't hurt you anymore," Will said dimming the lights. They were gonna let a full bag of fluids run and keep him on oxygen before sending him home.

Will's shift ended as the discharged Jay. He told them to come over for dinner, Nat having already gone home and cooked. Jay and Erin agreed and followed Will to his apartment.

They ate and played with Owen some before Natalie took him to get ready for bed.

"You ok?" Will asked Jay.

He was curled on the couch with Erin and he gave Will a nod. "Yea. I just was surprised today."

"Yea I know. Maybe he'll listen though and we won't see him again."

"I hope so," Jay said as Erin ran soothing fingers through his hair. They stayed and chatted a while longer before going home. It'd been a long week and a long day, and Jay just wanted to curl up in bed with Erin blocking it all out.

He prayed this was the only time William decided to just pop up. While he knew he could defend himself now, and honestly he could kill the old man with a few right moves, his body and mind still resulted to that fear. It was that fear he never wanted Erin to see again if at all possible.


	11. Chapter 11

They managed to sleep in on Saturday, both catching up on some much needed sleep. Around mid day Erin made lunch and they were eating in the living room. Mouse had text checking on Jay and Jay positively responded that he was better.

They'd just started watching TV when there was a knock at the door. Erin went to open it and found William on the other side. Jay could tell by her stance this was not going to be good. He jumped up behind her as she swung the door open.

"Well at least you're on your feet this time," William Senior scoffed.

"How the fuck did you find this place?" Erin asked defensively trying to shield Jay behind her.

"You need to watch that mouth bitch," he said raising his hand. Before Erin knew what happened Jay shoved her behind him and pounced on his father.

"Don't you ever, ever talk to her like that again or raise your hand at her!" he screamed keeping him pinned on the ground.

William was totally taken aback. He had not seen Jay like this since Will's senior prom. He knew it wouldn't take much to injure his son and put him in his place but the girl, he want sure what she'd do.

Erin pushed one on Jay's phone speed dialing Will and putting it on speaker so he'd hear.

"Don't ever show up here again!" Jay screamed and Will heard it through the phone without Erin saying anything. He looked at Nat and she nodded for him to go. He gave her a quick kiss and was gone.

"Jay…. Jay," Erin tried to no avail.

"You haven't changed. Still a pussy ass son," William challenged his hand finding the place on Jay's hip where a scar would be.

Jay's hiss had Erin on alert as she tried to reach for him. He swung back, not actually hitting her, but not welcoming anyone touching him.

"Yea that's what I thought. Never could take it," William hissed.

"Jay come on… Jay," Erin tried again to get her boyfriend's attention back on her and off this maniac that was his father.

"Take it?! You wanna see take it old man?" Jay growled landing a punch to his jaw. "I'll show you fucking taking it."

Before Jay could get another punch in and before Erin could stop him, William jabbed a needle into Jay's neck shooting him up. Jay growled and cussed before William shoved him off him and to the floor. He landed a few good kicks to Jay's ribs before Erin punched in the face.

"You stupid bitch," he yelled turning to hit her back when she slapped cuffs on both his wrists and hit him again. "William Halstead you're under arrest for assaulting an officer, stalking an officer, trespassing and any other fucking charges I can charge you with," she said before getting her phone to call Hank.

She tried waking Jay and was scared when he wouldn't. She saw Will running up as Hank answered.

"I need you, my place stat," she yelled before hanging up.

"Will help him please," Erin begged kneeling by Jay.

"What happened?" he asked dropping by his brother beginning his assessment. Erin relayed the details and the string of curses Will let loose when she told him William had gave him something through a needle actually scared her.

"What did you give him huh? What did you shoot into him?" Will screamed as Erin grabbed him and attempted to hold him back knowing Hank was on his way.

William wouldn't answer.

"What the fuck was in the needle?!" Will screamed getting right in his face. He wouldn't hit him, he wouldn't even touch him because he wasn't like him, not anymore. But he'd be damned if the old man didn't answer him.

"Just a sedative William. He'll live," he sneered angering Will more by calling him Will.

"Will don't!" Erin said forcefully holding his arms. "Hank's almost here. Jay… we've gotta help Jay," she pleaded diverting his attention back to his brother.

"Meet us at the hospital. I'm gonna counter the sedative and make sure he's ok."

Erin nodded as she watched Will scoop up his brother's lifeless body. She stayed behind just until Hank got there but she wanted to make sure he got the full story so this s.o.b never had the chance of coming near Jay again.

Hank happened to pass Will on his way out and raced up to Erin's apartment. He saw the guy that was the father and he knew something bad must have happened. He took the guy into custody and sent Erin on to the hospital telling her statements and charges could wait until Jay was stable. He'd leave him in the cage until then.

Erin was so thankful she raced off to the hospital. She called Natalie on the way to update her, and she promised she'd be there as soon as she could get Helen to watch Owen. Erin promised to keep her updated and they hung up.

/

Erin didn't have to look hard for Jay's room when she got inside the ED. Will was outside the glass doors pacing as he watched his colleagues working on Jay.

"Will?" Erin asked tentatively as she walked up to him.

He ran his hands through his curly red locks before locking eyes with her. "They're waiting on a tox screen to see what they need to counter it with. They're doing X-rays now checking damage to his ribs."

Erin just nodded watching the commotion happening in the room. "He did it to protect me," she whispered.

"He always will," Will said giving her a side hug to reassure her. In a bit Nat came running up to wait with them. They'd just gotten the tox screen back and we're fixing to try and wake Jay. They let them into the room and Erin held one hand while Will held his other.

They pushed the medicine through his IV and Erin held her breath waiting. In a few Jay's eyes slowly opened before he started having a panic attack as everything came back at him. Despite all the noise and everyone offering opinions on what to do, Erin climbed on the bed with him and grabbed his face.

"Breathe with me Jay, just me and you," she whispered taking deep breaths. She held his hands and took slow deep measured breaths until he started breathing with her. "That's it, you're safe," she whispered resting her forehead against his.

Jay breathed her in just needing to be surrounded by her in that moment. Erin smiled when she felt him settling. "That's it baby you're ok," she whispered as he drifted to sleep.

Once he was back asleep Ethan went over what they'd found. Jay's ribs were bruised and he was going to need to take it easy for a few days to let them heal. They also wanted to monitor him for signs of side effects from the drug. Ethan also warned them it could mess with his mind and cause flashbacks because he just wanted them prepared not knowing how Jay would actually react to it.

Erin and Will thanked him as he went out leaving them with Jay and what they hoped would be a peaceful sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Jay woke in a fitful dream. He could hear the gunshots, the yelling, the explosions all around him. It was never ending. He could hear people yelling his name as he wildly glanced around the room fighting the covers he was tangled in.

"Jay! Jay! You're ok," Erin said trying to grab his face to get him to look at her. His eyes were wild and she hated seeing him like this. "Jay! Look at me. You're safe. You're in Chicago Med. You're ok," she said rubbing his cheek as his eyes finally focused on her.

"Erin?" He said slowly catching his breath.

"Yea... that's it. It's me," she said relieved to see him calming down.

Will came in a few minutes later. "Y'all ok? We saw his heart rate spike," he said quietly looking everything over.

"Yea... bad dream," Erin said quietly.

"Got it," he said with a nod. "Are you feeling any side effects Jay?"

Jay shook his head no. He hated this off balance feeling and he was sick of it.

"Great. Once we're sure you're hydrated and the drug is out of your system, we'll let you go," Will said giving his arm a squeeze.

"Sounds good."

Erin's phone rang and she sighed silencing it.

"What is it?" Jay asked.

"Voight needs me."

"Go. I'm fine. Really," he said.

"Sure?" She asked leaning over giving him a kiss.

"Yea. I'll be outta here soon. Go," he said giving her smile so she knew he'd be ok.

"Call me when he's free," she said to Will. Will nodded and Erin headed to the station.

"Talk," Will said quietly sitting down by Jay's bed.

"What's there to say? He's an ass, and I hate the off balance feeling he gives me. I hate this Will! I'm over it," Jay said frustrated.

"Ok... ok so what do you want to do?"

"I dunno. I haven't thought that far ahead," he said rubbing his head. He had a slight headache and he just wanted some quiet to figure out his next move.

"Alright... alright. Get some rest and I'll be back in a bit," he said giving his shoulder a squeeze as Jay just nodded.

The longer he laid there, the madder he got. He was a detective for crying out loud. He was done being his dad's punching bag. He was done. He carefully peeled the heart monitor off before slipping the iv out of his arm. He winced and put pressure on it to keep it from bleeding. He found his clothes and got dressed. He quickly slipped out the door before Will could notice.

"Hey. You busy?" Jay asked into his phone as he walked out of the hospital quickly.

"Yea. Come get me," he said again glancing around to make sure Will hadn't followed him.  
...  
"Dr. Halstead!" April yelled across the ED.

"What April?" He asked.

"It's Jay. He's gone," she said pointing to the empty room.

"Shit!" Will said running his hand through his hair. He grabbed his phone and called Erin.

"Jay ready?" She answered.

"Jay's gone Erin. He's not with you?"

"No! Gone like as in he left?" She asked slightly panicked sharing a look with Hank.

"Yea. He's not in his room. I told him to rest and I'd be back and now he's gone."

"Ok... ok... He can't be far. We'll find him. I'll have Mouse track him."

"K. Keep me posted."

Erin agreed and hung up. She quickly dialed Mouse. "Mouse! Thank God. I need you to trace Jay's phone. He's left the hospital."

"Yea... yea ok. I'll do it as soon as I'm back."

"Back?! Is Jay with you?!"

"No... no. But we'll find him," he said reassuringly.

Jay shot him a thankful look as they pull into the back roll up area. "Just hurry up before she finds you. She sounded like she didn't believe me," he said.

Jay gave him a nod and took the beanie Mouse offered him. He pulled it over his ears and climbed out of the car. He used Mouse's card and scanned in through the back door. He glanced around and noticed no one was around so he went on in to the roll up.

He noticed the figure hunched over in the cage and his anger came back full force. He walked over to it putting his hands on it. The figure looked up at him and sneered.

"Well... hell... You're still here," he sneered.

"Yea... can't kill me so easily huh?!" Jay sneered back.

"What do you want?! You got your wish. I'm in here, locked up like some animal?! This can't even be legal."

"You haven't even begun to see legal, old man."

"What do you want Jay?"

"To see why you did it?" He started.

"You think I'm gonna tell you?"

"Yea. It's the least you owe me."

William Sr. scoffed. "You always ruined everything... and now... now my own son doesn't come and see me anymore! You did this. I just know it!"

"Will makes his own decisions," Jay shrugged.

"You had to have told him something. William was my boy... mine! He gets back in with you and forgets all about me! You did this! You had to pay!" He screamed.

Jay waited him out. "I came here to get answers and tell you I'm done with you! You've done nothing but hurt me all these years, but you can't hurt me anymore. I'm gonna testify against you once and for all and you're never... I mean never gonna hurt me or anyone else ever again! You got that, doctor?!" He sneered.

"Guess Mouse found you," Hank said giving Jay's shoulder a squeeze.

Jay gave him a look. "Mouse had me all along. I called him to get me," he shrugged.

Hank just nodded as he watched the doctor sneering at them. "You want these?" Hank asked holding out the keys to the cage.

"He's not even worth it. Book him. Tell Cott, I'll testify. To everything."

"You sure kid?"

"Yea I'm sure. Any charge you got... including attempted murder."

"What?! You've got no proof!" William screamed jumping up.

"I got a needle mark in my neck that says otherwise. As well as a recording to everything you just admitted," Jay said holding up his phone. Mouse had encouraged him to record it for evidence and he was glad he listened.

"Mouse can extract the recording for you to give Cott."

Hank nodded. "Go home and get some rest kid. We got this," Hank nodded.

Jay text Mouse it was safe to come in. Once in, he gave Mouse his phone. "Gonna go tell Erin I'm fine. I'll be back for it," he said.

Mouse took the phone and got to work getting the evidence while Jay went upstairs to find Erin.

"Where were you?!" She asked wrapping her arms around him when she saw him.

"Just... finalizing the case," he said returning her hug. "Erin... I'm fine. I promise."

"What did you do?" She asked.

"Later... I'm ready to go home," he said tiredly.

"Yea... yea ok. Let me get my stuff."

Jay headed down to wait for her. She text Will that she had Jay and they were going home. Jay got his phone back from Mouse. "Thanks man," he said tiredly.

"Of course. You good?" Mouse asked handing his phone back.

"Yea... just wanna lay down," he said with a shrug.

"Yea... I get it... I'll... I'll keep you posted on what I hear."

"Thanks man," Jay said seeing Erin. He turned to follow her out to head home. Hank had already taken his dad on to booking so they didn't have to see him.

Once home Jay laid down and opened his arms for Erin to join him. "You ok?" She whispered snuggling in close.

"Yea... yea I am now," he said softly rubbing her back. "He's never... never gonna hurt anyone again."

"I'm proud of you," she smiled kissing him softly.

"I didn't do anything," he shrugged.

"Yes Jay you did. You fought back. You stood up to him. You let him see he had zero control anymore." Hank had given her the brief version before they left.

Jay just nodded rubbing her back. "Yea... yea I know..."

They slowly drifted to sleep in the quiet of the apartment.

A few weeks later, Cott disposed Jay and proceeded with the trial. They had charged his dad with attempted murder, assault of an officer, and child abuse. It was a stretch since the abuse had been many years ago, but it also established a pattern, a history. Jay testified first day. He had to admit his dad had gotten a good lawyer, but Jay never flinched. He answered every question truthfully. Will even testified. Once it was all said and done, his dad was convicted and going away for the rest of his life.


	13. Chapter 13

6 Months Later

After the trial, life had settled back into a normal routine. Jay had felt immense relief that William Sr. was locked up for good. There would be no more hurting anyone.

The brothers had gotten closer together, and as a family they'd all gotten closer.

Will and Natalie had a courthouse wedding two months after the trial. They didn't want anything big and fancy, just something simple for their family to make it official. Jay couldn't be happier for his brother. He'd really settled down and had what seemed to be the perfect family now. Owen adored him and Natalie loved him like no one else had. Will definitely was happier then he'd ever been.

Two more months pass, and the brothers were out for their weekly meet up. "So I got you something," Will said after they'd expired their sports discussion.

"Oh yea?" Jay smirked with a look of disbelief.

"Yea smartass. I have a tendency to be nice and get you stuff."

"Yea... Yea ok. What is it?" Jay asked.

Will slid a red box across the table to him. "Mom's ring. Nat and I agreed before we ever got married that you and Erin deserved it."

Jay was silent for a bit just staring at it. "She always said it wasn't a race, but whoever met the right girl first got the ring. You got married first Will..."

"You met Erin first. She would've wanted you to have it Jay. She would've loved Erin."

"And Nat," he smiled at Will. "She would've loved them both."

"She's proud of you Jay. I know it."

"Yea... You too Will. She's proud of you too."

"Yea..." he smiled lost in memories of days past with their mama.

"Wow... so... You think I should do this huh?" Jay said opening the box to look at the ring.

"Yea. I do. You've both been through enough. It's time to experience some happiness... happiness that only comes from making your girl your wife."

"Look at you giving relationship advice," Jay smirked.

"Yea... me huh? Who would've thought. Me... married with a wife and a step son and a baby," he couldn't help but smile.

"Baby? What baby? Nat's pregnant?" Jay asked with a smile.

"Shit she's gonna kill me," Will said dropping his face to his hands. "Yea... Yea she is. But don't you dare say anything. I promised her we'd wait til she was through the first trimester and she swore she'd withhold sex if I got drunk and told you before. So don't mention it," he said pinning Jay with a look.

Jay was dying with laughter by the time Will was done. "No worries. My lips are sealed," he said making a zipper motion across his lips before busting out laughing again. "I can so see her saying that too. Dude you are whipped," he laughed.

"Yea... Yea laugh it up. I'll be the one laughing next time. Because Erin would be more serious about it than Nat."

"Yea... Yea you're right." Jay spun the box in his hands on the table.

"Just do it man. You know you want too. You know she'll say yes. Hell look at what y'all have been through this last year. She's still here Jay. Just do it."

"Yea... Yea I know. It just has to be perfect."

"You'll think of something," Will smiled.

They finished their night out and Jay started planning. It took two more months before he had the perfect plan. He'd involved Will, Nat and Owen as well as Hank for a dinner together. He wanted this to be perfect for her.

"You ok?" Erin asked halfway through. He'd been acting nervous and jittery for the last week and she was kinda worried about him.

"Yea... Yea I'm good," he smiled what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Hank got a phone call and excused himself. When he returned he had a grim look on his face.

"Everything ok?" Jay asked.

"Well kid... I don't know... that was Statesville. They had some news about your dad," Hank said looking between the brothers.

Jay's nerves racked up more just knowing his old man was going to find one more way to ruin something for him. He and Will shared a look before Erin squeezed his hand for reassurance.

"What was it?" Jay finally asked.

"He had a massive heart attack today and didn't make it," Hank said carefully.

"He's gone... really gone?" Jay asked after a beat looking between Hank and Will.

"Yea... Jay. He's gone." The amount of relief he felt at Hank's word shouldn't have been as much as it was, but he couldn't help it. The bastard had essentially gotten what he deserved in the end.

"Wow... that's... that's almost a relief," Will said giving Jay a knowing look.

"Yea... I know," Hank said glad he was able to give them the news.

"I'll... I'll be back," Jay said after a bit going to get some air.

"I got it," Erin said as they all passed looks watching him leave. She followed him outside and gave him a minute before approaching and laying her hand on his back.

"You ok?" She asked walking around in front of him.

"Yea... Yea I am," he smiled wrapping his arms around her. "He's really gone, and we never have to worry about him again. It just... it just feels like everything has come together to make this perfect after all."

"What are you talking about?" She asked curiously.

"I was gonna wait... had it all planned out... but I can't anymore." He took her hands pushing her back a little more. "Erin I love you. I love you more than anything. And you've been there for everything, especially this last year. And you stayed. You saw the ugly and the bad and yet you're still here. And I want you here... forever. What I'm trying to say," he said going down to one knee, "is that I want you to be with me forever. I want us to get married. So... Erin Lindsey, will you marry me?"

"Jay... are you serious?" She whispered tears filling her eyes as he pulled out the ring.

"More than anything. Say yes babe... please," he whispered.

"Oh my gosh. Yes! Yes! Yes! So much yes," she said cupping his face and kissing him hard as tears flowed down her cheeks.

Jay kissed her back his smile growing against her lips. He slowly eased them back. "This was mama's ring," he whispered slipping it on her finger. "She would've loved you."

"Jay... oh my gosh. It's beautiful," she whispered admiring it.

"Come on let's go tell them," he smiled wrapping his arm around her as they went back in. They shared their happy news and Erin and Nat gushed over the ring.

"Congrats brother," Will smiled.

They finished dinner and Will and Nat finally shared the news about the baby. The family was growing, and things were looking good and happy for them. The Halsteads were finally on the road they were supposed to be on and they couldn't be happier.


End file.
